Thursday 15th May 2025, 16.25: 

I’ve just met Liam and Jen in Hisaronu for a drink. Jen had a glass of wine, Liam had a beer, and I had a bottle of water. We’re now shopping for nick nacks and such, and I’ve just asked Jen which colour of pen she wants – “I don’t know, I can’t even see, I’m pissed”. 

One glass of wine. It’s going to be a long night. H x

Friday 16th May 2025, 10.50: 

I have woken up this morning to discover that Jo has arrived (wonderful), and that everyone is sitting inside because it has been raining (not so wonderful). Now, I’m not saying the two things are linked, but I am saying I will think twice before inviting Jo on holiday again. Luckily the rain has stopped now I’m up – it must have known The Lord was about to start his day. 

Yesterday was actually surprisingly quiet. We came back to the villa after we finished shopping, had a few drinks and a takeaway, and that was about it really. Hayley, Donna and I watched the darts for a bit, but Hayley had to retire early because she was feeling a bit tender. I switched to the PGA Championship for a bit, but the tiredness took over, so I wasn’t far behind her, leaving Alison and Jen as the welcoming party for Jo – poor Jo. It sounds as though she arrived relatively hiccup free, however, so that’s good. 

The weather is apparently going to be quite overcast all day, so I’m not sure what we’ll get up to, but I’ll be sure to let you know. H x

Friday 16th May 2025, 20.45: 

I just offered Jen £20 to jump in the pool, and she duly obliged. I honestly didn’t expect her to do it, and I’m slightly cheesed off that I’m down £20, but it was worth every penny. I’ll post the video online somewhere for you to enjoy. 

H x

Friday 16th May 2025, 21.10: 

Jen is now vigorously miming to Big Dick by Little Big. This is an absolute treasure trove. 

H x

Friday 16th May 2025, 21.55: 

We’re now playing Quiplash again. Alison has set her name as BigFlapFelly, and Jen is in absolute hysterics. It’s a quick descent into insanity. 

H x

Saturday 17th May 2025, 11.15: 

I’ve only just woken up – what a lazy bastard. 

Following my previous entry, we stayed up for about two hours playing Quiplash, which was quite fun in all fairness. There were some shocking answers, and when I say shocking, I mean shocking even by my standards, which is really fucking shocking. I’ll include one of my favourites below: 

I’m not sure what the plan is today, so I suppose I had better get up and ask. Chow. H x

Saturday 17th May 2025, 13.00: 

I won’t make the mistake of waking up late again – I’ve just been informed that Hayley and Donna spent the morning throwing mushrooms and apricots at Jen from the middle floor balcony whilst she was sunbathing by the pool, whilst trying to convince her that birds were dropping them on her because they didn’t like her. 

Once again, I have no words. H x

Sunday 18th May 2025, 13.25: 

I am highly confident that last night was the first night of the holiday that I got properly drunk. I can say this with some certainty for two reasons;

1. According to the bill, I had 4 beers, 6 large white wines and 2 baileys 
2. I stayed out with Jen and didn’t get back to the villa until 3am (a serious sign of desperation) 

Yesterday was Cute Day, so it seemed proper to do the only cute thing one can – get absolutely shitfaced. The problem is, I can’t remember most of it. I spent most of the first part of the night watching Jen make an absolute tit of herself, and then spent most of the last part of the night watching Jen make an absolute tit of herself, and that’s honestly about all I have. 

I wrote down three prompts to base my blog on this morning, and I cannot for the life of me remember what they mean;

• Cute/MILF night 
• Moist bird poo
• Jen farts on balcony 3am

Got to go anyway, my King Sized Full English is here. H x

Monday 19th May 2025, 11.25: 

We spent last night at Billy’s Beach BBQ, which was actually much better than I expected. The food was absolutely delicious, the sunset was simply magnificent, and the entertainment was incredible. It started with a singer, who Jen took a fancy to, and then moved on to some dancers, who Jen also took a fancy to, and so on and so forth. I must admit, I did also take a fancy to one of the dancers – who can resist a sweaty twink in sequins? As we were comparing the dancers, Jen turned to me and said “I think you and me are on quite similar wavelengths you know.. except I haven’t got a degree, but I could probably get one”. Of course you could, Jen, of course. 

At one point, Hayley started leading a conga line of her, Don, Jo and Jen, but by the time the song was coming to an end it was at least twenty people strong – it was quite iconic, and a timely reminder of where I get my trendsetting ways from. 

Now, I’m feeling a bit better today, so I’ve had time to catch up on events from my night out with Auntie Jen on Saturday. I’ll list some highlights below; 

• Jen sang Like A Virgin on karaoke, which might be the most ironic karaoke performance that has ever taken place
• Donna sang a few songs on karaoke, highlighting what a beautiful voice she has, and Jo & Alison sang Nothing But A Heartache, highlighting what two strangled cats sound like when they’re hooked up to a mic 
• I shouted my classic “LETS GET FUCKED UP” once I’d had a few wines, signifying my readiness to get on it, which Jen then proceeded to repeat very loudly roughly every 27 seconds 
• Hayley spent much of the night filming embarrassing videos of Jen (which isn’t hard), on one of which you can hear me say halfway through, quite loudly, “god, she’s such a horny slut” 
• Jo coined a new nickname for Jen (The Peg), owing to dancing so wooden it made Pinnochio look like a real boy 
• Jo acted as my wingman and introduced to me a very attractive young man, who had apparently had eyes on me all night, before I politely reminded her that I’m now in a committed relationship 
• Jen took part in some wooden/erotic dancing with one of the Turkish waiters, earning them the moniker Torvill & Dean, if Torvill & Dean were both braindead 

I think that’s about it, although I am sure there is lots I am missing. Jen, Jo and Alison were out until 3am again yesterday, and proceeded to wake Liam up when they got home by jumping on his bed, so no doubt I’ll have more to report soon. I believe they’re all off to the beach today, which will allow me another villa day to try and restore some mental sanity. Speak soon. H x 

Tuesday 20th May 2025, 15.40: 

I’m currently lounging by the pool, reading What you are looking for is in the library by Michiko Aoyama. It has, surprisingly, been quite a relaxed 24hrs. Jen, Jo, Donna, Babs and I went for a Chinese last night, and we’ve been for a wander around Fethiye Market earlier today, but other than that, we’ve just been chilling at the villa. We’ve penciled in a day drinking session for tomorrow, so I imagine we’re all recharging our batteries in anticipation for a day of debauchery. 

Stay tuned. H x

Wednesday 21st May 2025, 15.15: 

“This wine tastes a bit cocky” 

H x

Thursday 22nd May 2025, 12.15: 

I’ve just been down to the local restaurant and had my King Sized Full English, so I’m ready to piece together what I can remember from yesterday. 

What was supposed to be a pub crawl up the Hisaronu strip ended up being 5 hours in Atika, followed by some shopping, a few drinks in Red Bar and a taxi home with a kebab. Well, that’s true for myself, Babs and Jo at least – Alison and Jen were out until god knows what time this morning. Alison has even got a tattoo done – we’ve gone full 18-30’s holiday. 

Here’s my notes from yesterday; 

• Jen loves cock flavoured yoghurt 
• “No food please, just beer” – Jo
• “You’re welcome darling” – guy when he wheeled up the thing 
• “I couldn’t find you any sugar free shhhhoda” – Hayley Tomlinson
• Jo was sick (banging on doors)

Good luck figuring out what the fuck they mean. I think the yoghurt one was a story Jen told us about when her sisters boyfriend dipped his cock in some yoghurt and then Jen unknowingly (or so she says) ate it. A delightful anecdote, don’t you think? Wholesome. 

I think yesterday was probably my favourite day of the holiday. The atmosphere was relaxed, and the laughter was almost constant. One thing that will remain etched in my memory is something that Jo said to me, completely unprompted I might add – “I’ve really enjoyed your company on this holiday Harry, you’re a great person to be around”. I don’t think she meant it to be any deep insight, but as someone who has spent the last 10 years working hard to understand myself better and become a better person, it really did warm my heart. I’m glad that I can make other people happy. 

On that note, I’m off to lie by the pool in the sun (it’s 28 degrees today) and read Lords of the Desert by James Barr. Life is a wonderful thing, really, isn’t it? H x

Thursday 22nd May 2025, 19.45: 

Jen just walked into the restaurant and the waiter said “oh hello Creamy Jenny”. I have no words. 

H x

Friday 23rd May 2025, 09.40:

Last night we went down to Memories bar for what was supposed to be The Temptations again. Since they had rave reviews from everyone last time, I decided I’d give them a chance on my last night on holiday, but they cancelled, so that fucked that up. They were replaced last-minute by a drag act, which were, in the nicest way possible, shit. The food was wonderful though, and we still had a great time. Following dinner, we went down the Hisaronu strip for a spot of shopping and to say goodbye to all of Jen’s boyfriends, so that took about 73 hours. 

Just like that, however, it is over. We’re leaving for the airport in an hour, and although I’m excited to get home and see Lord Fozzington, I will miss Turkey. I might have to come back again soon – anyone free in September? 

H x