I’m sitting in the Costa at Derby Kingsway, having just finished a workout in the PureGym, waiting for the barista to make my large skinny latte, with sugar free caramel syrup. The inference here, reader, is that I am a healthy king. Unfortunately, the reality here, reader, is that I am the size of a small planet. 

No, seriously, I now have three moons orbiting me. 

I’ve always had a toxic relationship with my weight, which has inevitably led to a toxic relationship with myself, and more specifically, my sense of self-worth. I won’t bore you with the details, but my weight has been up and down more times than Katie Price has been in the news for having a boob job. 

I have no idea where that reference came from – sorry Katie. 

It’s surprisingly busy in Costa for a Friday morning, actually. Do these people not have jobs?

Anyway, I’m currently seeing a therapist that specialises in eating disorders, and he is really helping, but it’s a somewhat paradoxical situation. Since I am so happy in pretty much every other area of my life right now, on the whole I feel absolutely amazing, but this bizarre hyper-focus I’ve always had on my weight keeps dragging me back down. Since I’m happy, I spend less time focusing on what I eat or how big I am, but again this means my weight has ballooned, which leads me into periods of severe self-hatred and anger. 

I think the nub of it is that I’ve never had a healthy relationship with my weight, so now I have a healthy relationship with myself in every other area, my weight has become a stubborn obstacle to my happiness, whilst simultaneously being less important now than it ever has been. I can’t quite seem to figure it out. 

The queue is fucking massive now. There’s so many old people. I’m glad I got here when I did. 

Whatever is going on with my weight, I am working hard to fix it, not just because I want to be thin (wouldn’t that be nice), but because I want to be happy with how I look and how I feel, and as long as that’s the attitude I keep, I think I’m going to be alright. 

Anyway, how are you? I hope things are well. I apologise if I’ve been a bit absent recently, I’ve had a lot going on. As you know, I’ve always been focused on self-growth, but it has accelerated exponentially over the past 6-12 months, which has meant I’ve been pretty self-absorbed. 

No surprises there then. 

One of the main surprises in my life recently is that I’ve found a boyfriend, which I genuinely never saw coming. I had honestly planned the next 50 years of my life based on my being alone forever, so it’s definitely a surprise, but a very pleasant one at that. His name is Carl (I’ve asked him about changing this via deed poll), he’s a lorry driver (I’ve asked him about swapping to a less Brexity job), and I have fallen for him quicker than I’d ever care to admit (I’ve asked my therapist is there’s anything we can do about this). We’re very different, but I think the old adage ‘opposites attract’ has proved itself to be true, as we get on like a house on fire. I really enjoy his company and we always have such a good laugh, and he’s surprisingly good at being able to understand my moods and emotions, which is rather impressive considering his lack of a degree in psychiatry. 

Keep your fingers crossed that I don’t fuck it up. 

In all fairness, we went for dinner with Samuel Morris last week, and they got on well and seemed to like each other, so if he can cope with that giant prick, I’m sure he can cope with me. 

Moving on, a few rapid fire updates now; 

• I’ve bought a new car. I loved Zara the Z4, but she was too small and too low to the ground. Next time I see you, I shall introduce you to Margot, my new white BMW X3. She is wonderful and I am very happy with her. I might even try and keep her for longer than 18 months – I worked out the other day that I have been driving for eight years and in that time I’ve had seven cars. Not ideal. 
• I’ve started shopping at Waitrose, for two main reasons. The first is that I am as determined as ever to join the ranks of the Middle Classes, and the second is because Margot has an electric boot, and it seems a shame to never use it (if you haven’t already seen it, google ‘Michael McIntyre Waitrose Sketch’). 
• I’m quite tanned following three weeks in Turkey, which is great, but I’m also under significant financial distress, which is not so great
• I’ve resigned my membership of Branston Golf & Country Club, for a number of reasons, but largely because I simply don’t play enough golf to justify the membership fee. It’s a significant blow to my attempt to become Middle Class, but I’m hoping the switch to Waitrose will cancel it out. 
• I’ve acquired an Apple Watch 
• I somehow owe HMRC £630 
• I’m thinking of switching current accounts

Ok, in retrospect, I don’t really have much to update you on. Nowadays, I live a remarkably quiet and peaceful life compared to the complete anarchy of my formative years. You might even say I was boring, although I would vehemently disagree. I am more interesting now than I have ever been, just in a different way – less cuntish, more well-read. 

By the way, where do you buy your deodorant from? I’m sickened by how expensive it has become recently. Have you seen that advert for the whole body deodorant too? Ugly people spraying it on their feet and their balls? I think it’s time to call it a day for capitalism after seeing that. 

Right, it’s time I headed off. Speak soon. X

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