Saturday 10th May 2025, 12.00:
They have arrived, and somehow, Jen immediately got lost in the villa. I mean, fair enough, it’s quite a large villa, but not big enough to get lost in. Apparently it took her three attempts to find her own bedroom, trying Liam’s and Alison’s first. Words fail me.
I don’t wish to drone on about Jen, but she never ceases to amaze me. I’ve been informed that when she arrived at East Midlands Airport, her bag was 5kg overweight, which is an incredible lack of foresight when you consider she goes on holiday at least four or five times a year. The first thing she suggested swapping to another case to lower the weight was her silk pyjamas – Liam proceeded to politely inform her that was unlikely to make much difference to the overall weight distribution.
Anyway, they’re here and they’re alive, so that’s the main thing. I took them to the supermarket this morning to get the essentials – bread, toilet paper and 24 cans of beer. I have a feeling it’s going to be a long two weeks.
It’s a bit overcast today, and we’ve even had a few drops of rain, which is unfortunate. We’re just pondering what to do with the day, and I think we’ve almost settled on a trip to downtown Fetihye to have a wander around the shops, so that should be nice.
Speak soon. H x
Sunday 11th May 2025, 09.45:
I must begin this entry with an apology to my darling Jennifer Fell – Jenny, I am so sorry, please forgive me! I was awoken from my peaceful slumber in the early hours of this morning with lots of loud banging and high-pitched laughing, which I naturally assumed was Jenny, but to my surprise I then heard Liam shout, rather loudly, “Mum, will you shut the fuck up” – thus, it must have been Alison! It went on for what seemed like an eternity, as it usually does when you’ve been woken up, with Alison laughing and banging, and Liam occasionally telling her to be quiet. At one point, I am sure I heard him guiding her to her room – it seems Jenny isn’t the only one that can get lost in this villa!
Yesterday afternoon was lovely – Hayley, Donna and I drove down to the Old Town of Fetihye, which is my favourite part of coming to Turkey – it’s just so beautiful, and has such a nice aesthetic. We had some lunch, strolled around the shops, and had a drink by the harbour, which doesn’t sound like much, but it somehow took up our entire afternoon. The other three joined us for a short while, so we stopped for a drink in a bar together, but they were soon off doing their own thing.
Unfortunately, I think I may have come down with a bit of heatstroke, since I spent the rest of the day lying on the sofa watching golf (we’ve brought our dodgy stick with us, naturally), before retiring to bed at 9pm and, not including the awfully rude interruption, got a solid eleven hours of sleep. Even by my standards, I think that’s quite impressive.
Let’s hope I can avoid a repeat today. H x
Monday 12th May 2025, 10.25:
The plot thickens.. After I wrote to you yesterday, a discovery was made in the downstairs loo – I’ll demonstrate, rather than trying to explain myself:
Naturally, the main culprit was Alison, although conveniently, she had no recollection of anything from about 9pm onwards. The evidence (the other part of the toilet seat) is still missing, so the investigation is ongoing. Don’t worry – Chief Inspector Twat (Jenny Fell) is making the case her top priority.
Donna, Hayals and I took a drive down to Calis for the Sunday Market yesterday. We had a kebab at our favourite stall, and bought 1.5 kilograms of cheese, because what else are you supposed to do at a Sunday Market? Afterwards, I returned to the villa to lounge by the pool, whilst Mum and Donna went down to Hisaronu to get their hair & nails done. Nothing eventful to report, but a lovely day nonetheless.
In the evening we went down to Hisaronu. I had chicken carbonara for dinner, which was absolutely delectable, before popping over to Red Bar to meet the rest of the gang. We had a good laugh, but I am contractually obliged to report the following – Jenny Fell showed me how to do one of the bar games and, somehow, bested me at it. I solemnly vow, here and now, that I shall never be bested by Jennifer ever again. I also had an in-depth discussion with Alison about the rise of Reform and their recent local election results (no extra credit for guessing which side of the debate she was on), whilst Hayals and Donna belted out karaoke.
I think my favourite moment of the night, however, was when some old bloke got on karaoke to sing Baggy Trousers by Madness, and his son proceeded to dance around the bar doing the dance for the full length of the song. You have to admire the dedication.
I’m bored now. Chat soon. H x
Monday 12th May 2025, 19.25:
I’m sitting on the middle floor balcony, watching the sun set over the mountains, with a glass of San Pellegrino, which, by the way, is £3.20 a bottle over here – shocking levels of thoughtlessness towards us Middle Class tourists that require the finer things in life. All five of the others have just departed for Hisaronu for some dinner and to watch a tribute act of The Temptations, leaving me with the villa to myself.
Allow me to explain why I haven’t gone with them – simply put, I don’t have the energy. Many of my regular readers will be familiar with my mental health issues, perhaps even a bit too familiar, but one of the main things I have worked on over the past few years is managing my energy levels better. A key issue that I face is sudden moods of severe melancholy, to the point where I don’t want to go anywhere or speak to anyone – and yes, as privileged and out of touch as this may sound, these moods can also strike whilst I’m lounging by the pool of the three-storey villa we’re renting in southwestern Turkey.
What I have learned, however, is that these moods often follow periods where I’ve had to be “on”. It’s hard to describe to those unfamiliar with the inner workings of the mind of Harold, but even around close friends, I still need to be conscious of everything I say and do, lest I say something inappropriate. My reputation for being outspoken, by extension of this, probably stems from the fact that quite often, I simply don’t know or understand why or how the things I say can be taken the wrong way, meaning I have to be extra careful. Naturally, this process of self-censoring is quite mentally draining, leading to moods such as the one I have experienced this afternoon.
The common term for it amongst the autistic community is “masking”, although I prefer not to use this term, as I believe it makes me sound like I am pretending to be someone I am not, which is definitely not the case. Instead, I prefer to think of it as softening the harshest edges of my personality to ensure it is suitable for those who don’t understand me fully.
Therefore, situations like the one I’ve chosen to opt-out of tonight can be very hard work for me, especially when you couple the need for self-censoring with the loud noise, dancing, singing, and other such things that are likely to take place. Hence I have learned that if I don’t have the energy to do it properly, it is probably best not to do it at all.
Anyway, since it is Mental Health Awareness Week, I thought it was timely to provide this insight into my mind. By deciding not to go out this evening, I am not being miserable, ungrateful or rude (adjectives that have been ascribed to me in the past more times than I can count). I am simply making the choice to proactively manage my energy levels to ensure I can keep showing up for my friends, my family, and, most importantly, myself.
I hope that wasn’t too boring for you. H x
Tuesday 13th May 2025, 00.20:
The gang have just returned, and Jennifer is pissed (shock). She is in the habit of wearing her glasses in ridiculous positions – I’ll enclose a picture below.
A direct quote from Jenny upon seeing this picture: “why do these glasses from Poundland make me look like a pound?” A tenner if you can figure out what the fuck that means.
I’m going to bed. H x
Tuesday 13th May 2025, 00.35:
Jenny is now recounting her taxi ride home last night with Alison and Liam. Arriving back at the villa, they realised they had no cash on them. What would you do in that situation? I imagine something like running into the villa to grab some cash? Not Jennifer Fell – she typed “I’ll give you a kiss for a free taxi ride” into Google Translate and proceeded to snog the driver.
She’s now recounting the situation, and it seems to be getting more dramatic with every telling. She seems to be genuinely shocked that he actually kissed her – “it was like he thought I’d offered myself on a plate”. Oh to spend a day in the mind of Jen.
Now I really am going to bed. H x
Wednesday 14th May 2025, 11.55:
£4.12 for a French Stick, a bag of lays, a bottle of sparkling water and 20 Marlboro Gold. The Turks really do know how to live.
Yesterday was Donna’s 22nd birthday, so we awoke to balloons, banners and cards everywhere, which was quite sweet. Hayals, Don and I went down to Fetihye Market for an afternoon browse, whilst the others stayed sunning themselves by the pool. I jumped in the pool as soon as we got back from the market, such is the heat one must put up with on this dastardly holiday.
I also finished watching Conclave before we headed out in the evening, as my viewing session had been rudely interrupted the night before by Jennifer’s return from the bar. It’s a great film, and Ralph Fiennes is exceptional, but the ending was shit. 7/10.
Anyway, in the evening we got picked up to head down to Oludeniz. Hayley has organised the evening as a surprise for Donna, and she had no idea what was going on, so when we arrived at the Cable Car station to be taken up to the 1200 Babadağ Restaurant (1200 because it is 1200ft above sea level), the look of excitement on her face showed that Hayals had done good.
All of the usual antics you’d expect took place – I drank a bottle of wine and barely felt a buzz, Jenny drank two glasses and was as pissed as a fart, Hayley made friends with a random English couple, Donna spent most of her time taking pictures of the view, and so on and so forth. The meal was lovely and the company was as interesting as always, but I’m just going to enclose a picture of the view, as I think that’s all you need to sum up the evening really.
The rest of the gang have gone down to the beach today, so once again I am left with the villa to myself. I finally started reading The Hotel Avocado by Bob Mortimer a few days ago, and I’m already halfway through, such is his masterful ability to make the mundanity of everyday life absolutely hilarious, so I’ll probably spend the rest of the day finishing that whilst I lounge by the pool. It’s a hard life.
H x
Thursday 15th May 2025, 10.40:
As promised, I spent yesterday by the pool, alternating between reading and listening to music. In the evening, Hayals, Donna and I went down to a nearby restaurant for some dinner. It was nice but largely unremarkable, until Mum’s kebab came out – see for yourself below.
I honestly have no words to explain it.
Back at the villa, we played a few games of Quiplash – if you’re not familiar, you get prompts on your phone to answer, and people vote for their favourite answer. I’ll list the names of the contestants below to give you a taste of how the game went;
- Big Fat Gay
- Muff Diver
- Dildon
- Fannifer Fell
- WallyAli
- Jizzard
Do you get the idea? My favourite answer, which won the round, was to the question “What’s the best way to unclog a toilet”, to which I wrote “Throw Alison at it”. I mean, it’s worked before? Or perhaps you’d prefer “Things to avoid doing on holiday”, to which both contestants with that prompt responded “Kiss a 75 year old Turkish Taxi Driver”.
Hayley is at the dentist all day today, so we’re all just chilling at the villa in the meantime. Jo will be arriving this evening, which will add even more chaos to the villa I imagine, if that’s even possible.
Chow for now. H x
—
Sign up here to get the next instalment delivered straight to your inbox.
