Sunday 27th September 2026, 17:40 

Well, here we are then – I am officially a resident of London. London is my home. I live in London. If you’re wondering, it hasn’t quite sunk in yet, and I’m not entirely sure it ever will. 

I arrived at 4pm yesterday, having driven down with my Mother. Once we’d unloaded the car, we popped to Waitrose to stock my cupboard/fridge with food, shared a pizza, and then she was off again, leaving me behind to finally take the plunge into independent adulthood. I’m not quite sure I’m to be trusted living independently, but Mother seems to think I’ll be fine, and her judgement is often much better than my own, so we’ll run with it (for now at least).

I should probably add that I met my nephew for the first time yesterday, in a Starbucks in Burton before I departed for London. Well, he isn’t a blood relative, but his name is Marlow Morris, and his father, Samuel, is a very good friend of mine, so he’s asked if I’ll be his Uncle, which I genuinely found quite touching. Marlow has asked, by the way, not Sam, or at least the card I was given was signed by Marlow, although he’s got remarkable handwriting for a week-old baby. Anyway, Marlow is the first baby I have ever met that I don’t hate, in fact quite the opposite, and I am genuinely quite excited about getting the opportunity to play a big part in his life – as I said to Sam earlier, he needs at least one semi-intelligent person involved in his upbringing somehow. 

Back to moving to London. Once Mum left yesterday, I retired to bed almost immediately, and I was asleep by 21:30. When I awoke this morning at 07:00, my Fitbit informed me that I’d had a solid nine hours of sleep, which was much needed after all of the travelling of the past few days (I returned from Turkey in the early hours of Saturday morning after travelling all day Friday). Firstly, I read The Sunday Times in bed, as one should on a Sunday, before a sudden burst of motivation spurred me on to empty all of my bags/cases and pack everything away, which took what seemed like forever. I felt rather proud of myself afterwards, and my room looks lovely and tidy. 

Lauren arrived at the house at around 9 o’clock, and we went for a run through Tooting Commons, which we had to cut short prematurely because I had both knee and chest pain. Hopefully both are temporary – I’ll put the knee pain down to a complete lack of exercise on holiday and the chest pain down to smoking about 400 cigarettes on holiday – and I’ll be able to run properly again soon. We then went for a coffee at Natas Coffee Bar, which I’ve already decided will be my new regular spot, because it’s £3.20 for an Americano and they have a loyalty card which will get me a free coffee, and they also do a cheese & chorizo sourdough sandwich which is insanely good, before I returned home for some beans and cheese on toast. Lauren bought me my coffee as a welcome present to London, which was very sweet of her, and we got all excited about all the things we can do together now I’m a permanent resident. 

After lunch I popped into my new gym to sign the contract and pick up my fob, before heading to Balham Station to get the underground into Central London, where Lauren and I went to watch The Worshipful Company of Woolmen exercise their ancient right to “to bring sheep to market over the Thames”, which basically meant they walked some sheep up and down Southwark Bridge, which, in fairness, was quite exciting to watch. There was also a little market/fayre type thing on with stands for other Worshipful Companies, so I shall be looking into them a bit when I get chance, as the whole thing has rather piqued my interest (you know what I am like with anything a bit historical). 

I got back home around 4ish and, after a quick lie down due to my sheer exhaustion (I’ve somehow walked 20,000 steps today before you start laughing or calling me fat), I cooked myself a stir fry for dinner whilst watching Richard Osman’s House of Games. I am feeling slightly nervous about starting my new job tomorrow, but on the whole I feel pretty OK about it, perhaps even a little bit excited, although I am sure the novelty will soon wear off, as I cannot ever imagine being fully reconciled to the fact that I have to work for the rest of my life. 

On that note, I shall go and read for a bit. My aim is to keep a diary, of sorts, for my first week in London, and if it is funny/appropriate enough, I’ll post it on my blog. Let’s see how that goes, shall we? H x

Monday 28th September 2026, 19:15

I think I just did an entire day of work? As in, I was in the office for an entire day. I, quite literally, haven’t spent an entire day in an office since 2021, it has been over five years since I had to spend an entire day at a desk. I, quite literally, am exhausted. 

I awoke at 6am and headed straight to the gym. My membership doesn’t officially start until 1st October, but they’ve very kindly given me early access, which, quite frankly, is the least they can do considering the price I am paying for it. In fairness, the price is more than worth it considering the sheer amount of talent on display, Jesus Christ, I was almost drooling at one point. Obviously I go to the gym because it’s good for your physical and mental health, and I am keen to get in better shape, but by god it doesn’t half make it difficult when you’ve got supermodels wandering around in compression tops. 

After the gym I showered and had a protein shake, before I decided to set off into Central London about 45 minutes early, despite not being needed in the office until 09:30. I did this because I knew I would probably fuck it up somehow, and lo and behold, I did. I changed tube lines but then didn’t know where to get off, so ended up 15 minutes away from my destination, which was Primark, because I’ve left my only belt in Derby. I then proceeded to walk the wrong way down Oxford Street, which meant my 15 minute walk became a 30 minute one. I then decided to get a coffee, but the useless woman who served me made it with semi-skimmed milk, so I had her remake it with skimmed, because I’d rather be a cunt than be a fatty. After all of this, I arrived at my new office at 09:26, so it was a bloody good job I had that extra time. 

The day went by without a hitch – I got a tour of the building (which is very sexy and modern, goodbye shit hole council offices, hello 21st century), picked up my IT, met a few of my colleagues and then spent the entire day alternating between mandatory training and scrolling LinkedIn. I mean, come on, just because I was physically in the office all day doesn’t mean I’d do a whole day of work. Baby steps, darling, baby steps. I’ve got a teams call with another colleague who is leading the client project I’m being put on at 10am tomorrow, so I imagine the real work will start then. Wish me luck. 

One thing I can’t quite comprehend is quite how senior I am. I mean, I know I am a Senior Procurement Manager, the clue is in the name, but having reviewed the company org charts it turns out that the next rung above me is Associate Director?! What kind of maniacs would put me in such a position? God, imagine if I get promoted within the next few years? I’m almost glad I didn’t kill myself 3 years ago. Anyway, I get a professional “CV Photo” done in a few weeks, so just you fucking wait, I am going to look so sexy it will be unreal. 

Now, I knew the tube was awful before I arrived in London, but by god, 8am on a Monday morning and it’s like feeding time at the fucking zoo, assuming all of the animals in the zoo are hippos that have rabies. It is so warm, and so cramped, and everyone is so ugly, and you have to pay nearly £4 for the privilege? What fucking planet are these people on? 

When I got home, I rustled up a spicy chicken pasta in tomato sauce and watched a few episodes of Richard Osman’s House of Games, before sitting down to write to you. I’ll probably make a few phone calls now to catch people up on my first day, and then perhaps read something for a bit. Either that or pass out in bed. Probably the latter. H x

Tuesday 29th September 2026, 19:40

Well, I have had a horribly busy day, and by that I mean, I’ve had a lovely relaxing day. I awoke just after 6am and decided against the run I had planned because my legs hurt, so I stayed in bed and read The Times instead. I am very impressed with Andy Burnham’s plan to ditch the triple lock if he wins the next elections, pensioners have been bleeding the Government dry for far too long. 

I had already decided I was working from home today, since I don’t have much to do this week – I know I have only just started my new job, but I have fuck all to do so far as I’m still waiting for access to the clients systems, so no point going in to the office for nothing, is there? I’m in tomorrow and Thursday anyway, but fuck knows why. They do a free bar in the courtyard on the first Thursday of every month, which is very cool, and this Thursday happens to be the first Thursday of October, which is also very cool, so I’ve been encouraged to go to that, but I will probably find an excuse not to, as I’m fucking awful at talking to new people and I would probably just get very sweaty and then say something stupid. 

So, since today was a bit quiet, I met Lauren for a coffee at lunchtime instead, and we went for a wander around Clapham. She showed me lots of lovely bakeries and restaurants, and even a cute little bookshop, almost all of which I will probably immediately forget, and likely never go to anyway, since Clapham old town is about a half an hour walk from me, and therefore might as well be in Glasgow. Did I mention that my legs hurt? Like really fucking hurt. I think I need to book some physio again. I like spending time with Lauren, and I also joined Lambeth libraries (Clapham is Lambeth, Balham is Wandsworth, although I am pretty much on the border of the two), and took out a really gay looking romance book called Boyfriend Material by Alexis Hall, which frankly looks a bit beneath me, yet I’ve already read 80 pages of it this evening, so clearly it isn’t that beneath me, but anyway, now I have double the libraries to go to, which is exciting, as I need to stop spending so much money on books anyway, and besides, I have nowhere to put them down here (my room at home was literally about 40% books by the time I left). 

I made spicy chicken fajitas for dinner whilst watching Richard Osman’s House of Games. I wish Richard Osman was my Dad, he is just so smart and funny, he reminds me of me. I also finished putting up all of my paintings and pictures this afternoon, so now my room looks a lot more homely, and by that I mean a lot more gay – google Comrades by Henry Scott Tuke to get an idea of the vibe I’m going for. That is probably my favourite painting of all time, and I have a copy of it now proudly hanging in my utility room. 

For fuck sake, I’ve just ordered a book off eBay. In fairness it’s The Things We Never Say by Elizabeth Strout, which I couldn’t have got from the library because it has only just come out, and it has been nominated for the Booker Prize so I want to read it before they announce the winner. 

Right, I am off to ring my Mum. Toodlefuck. H x

Wednesday 30th September 2026, 19:25 

Hello sweetie. Are you well? I am, which is the main thing. 

My alarm sounded at 05:35 this morning, and I was in the gym by 6am, because that’s just the incredible motivation and fortitude I have. I did a push workout this morning, although, as per usual, most of my time was spent ogling the eye-watering talent. The Government really ought to do something about it, it’s clearly getting out of control. 

I was in Central by 8am. I returned to Primark to get another belt, since the one I got on Monday was too big (it seems my mentality is stuck in fat mode despite the fact I am now a skinny queen), and then to Pret for an iced caramel latte (skimmed milk, darling, of course), before getting to the office for 08:20, ready for my 08:30 meeting. Who in their right fucking mind puts a meeting in before 10am? My return to the world of consulting is already causing quite the shock to the system, although, in fairness, the system needed a shock after spending 18 months doing sweet fuck all in Local Government. 

I had a few meetings throughout the morning, as well as an hour-long Health & Safety briefing, which was about as enjoyable as biting one of your own fingers off and shoving it up your arse. I had a call with the Director that’s leading the project I am going on to and he was blowing so much smoke up my arse I was worried the alarm was going to go off – “I’m really impressed with you Harold, you’ve got a great attitude and seem very mature for your age, I’m really looking forward to working with you on this”. That was a direct quote, by the way. I’m worried the size of my ego will soon exceed the available atmosphere. 

After the last of my meetings, I spent 15 minutes or so gossiping with a lovely woman, probably a few years younger than me, who I can tell likes me (because I’ve already told her I’m gay), before deciding I was bored and would therefore go home. This was about 12:15, so I’d already done more than enough for the day in all fairness. I mean, I still don’t have access to the client systems, so what else do you want me to do? 

Once home I read for a bit and generally just relaxed, before meeting Lauren for a quick walk to the library and to pick up a few bits from the shops – I’ve been told, by multiple people now (which is a bit insulting, actually), that my legs are really dry and I should moisturise more, so I bought some moisturiser from Superdrug (which is such a horrid shop, by the way, just really vile decor) and will try to remember to use it, which I probably won’t, but oh well, I tried. Saying that, apparently it helps you keep your tan for longer, so maybe I will actually genuinely try, as I do look incredible with a tan. 

I made Wagyu burgers for dinner, whilst, naturally, watching a few episodes of Richard Osman’s House of Games. My housemate Lily made an appearance, so I caught her up with what I’ve been up to, how my holiday went etc, and she did the same vice versa. She is American, which is a shame really, as other than that she actually seems like quite a smart, lovely girl. Oh, did I tell you about my other housemate, Cyril? He’s French, mid 40s, and gay, which is one hell of a combo, and he’s also a huge bitch, but when he saw me heading to work earlier he told me I have a nice bum, so he’s also quite charming in his own way, and that was another nice little ego boost, not that it needs it at the minute. 

I’m bored now, so I’m going to go and read for a bit. Goodbye. H x

Friday 2nd October 2026, 08:00

My deepest, sincerest apologies for not writing to you yesterday, I’m not quite sure where the time went. Well, I am, I spent all afternoon playing Age of Empires II, which is exactly as nerdy as it sounds, but still, time did seem to fly by yesterday. I’ve just been to the gym and had a cigarette (balance, darling, balance) and I am now listening to Radio 3 with a black coffee – life could be a lot worse. 

I was up at 05:35 again but it was a rest day so I read The Times in bed and had a coffee. I made my way into Central at 7ish as I had a blood test at 8am. I’d booked an ‘Ultimate Performance Test’ with a firm called One Day Tests, and true to their word, I got the results through at 7pm yesterday evening. My rationale for the test is that I really want to try and get in better shape and live a healthier lifestyle now I’ve fled the nest (I largely blame my stepmother’s irresistible baking for keeping me so large for so long), plus my friend Lewis is getting married next year and part of the celebrations is a pool party, so I absolutely must have a six pack by then otherwise I’m going to look rather disappointing in my speedos, so I therefore thought it made sense to check that everything is working as it should before I embark on my lifestyle transformation (or more like evolution, actually, since I’ve already done significant work on myself). 

Anyway, to cut a long story short, everything is absolutely fine other than my cholesterol creeping back up, which is probably because I stopped taking my statins without discussing it with my doctor, because I resent paying £9.90 just to prevent a heart attack, and my testosterone, which is, apparently, 63% above the normal range for a man my age. Sixty-three percent. What the actual fuck? I mean, if you think about it, it explains my ravenous sex drive (sorry Mum), but even so, 63%?! I then kept reading, and it turns out that testosterone levels that high can contribute to the following; low sperm counts, heart and skeletal muscle damage, prostate enlargement, increased risk of cardiovascular disease or problems with liver, as well as an increased risk of developing blood clots. Well that’s just fucking dandy, isn’t it? Needless to say, I’ve booked an appointment with a GP (a private GP, obviously darling, I’ve not gone completely insane). 

Anyway, I was going to go into the office after my blood test, but after collecting my skinny caramel iced latte from Pret I decided I couldn’t be arsed, so I got straight back on the Northern Line and returned home. There were drinks in the office after work yesterday, which I sort of wish I could have gone to, but I wouldn’t have known anyone and I would have felt awkward as fuck, and I’ve already got a lot on my mind with both a new job and a new city, so I felt it unnecessary to put myself under that kind of social pressure too. Rather mature of me, don’t you think? 

As I say, I did very little for the rest of the day. I met Lauren for a walk, I played some video games, I read quite a lot, I fell asleep listening to Radio 3 in the middle of the afternoon, I made myself a curry, I called some friends (and my Mother, of course), I read a bit more, and then I went to bed. That’s pretty much all there is to it – you could argue it’s quite idyllic, really. H x

Sunday 4th October 2026, 14:15

Sorry it has been so long, darling, but I’ve actually been rather busy, and when I haven’t been busy I’ve been too exhausted to do anything, and quite often I’ve been both. Nonetheless, I’m now sitting at my desk with Radio 3 playing in the background, so I’m ready to give you the full rundown. 

I met a guy for coffee at Friday lunchtime. I shall not disclose how our paths crossed, but I am sure you can take a pretty good guess. It wasn’t a date or anything like that, just CASUAL, which, you know, I’m soooooo good at casual, it’s not as though my brain relies on structure and clear boundaries to make sense of the world around me – no babe, let’s just keep it CAJ! Is that how you’d spell the shortened version of casual, by the way? It doesn’t look right to me. Anyway, coffee was lovely and the guy was really nice, super interesting, and extremely sexy, although of course the latter part was irrelevant, because it was casual. Regardless, I actually had a nice time, and hopefully I didn’t scare him too much, as I’d quite like to see him again – if nothing else, I think we could actually be good friends. 

I spent the rest of the afternoon playing Grand Theft Auto and reading, before heading off to collect my good friend Harry Beard from the tube station – he was in London anyway as he needed to get the Eurostar first thing on Saturday morning, so I graciously offered to let him stay at mine. We got chippy for tea (£20 for two sausages, chips and peas on a tray – welcome to London indeed!) before heading to the pub for a few beveraginos, where we discussed the current political situation and the likely outcome of the next general election, whether that be as scheduled in 2029 or sooner (rumours are swirling that Burnham will go early). No, really, we actually did! How nice to have a reasonably intellectual conversation with a friend – turns out I didn’t need to leave Derbyshire after all. We headed home relatively early to have a few more drinks at mine and play some poker, during which I somehow managed to lose £20, and my dignity, despite Harry never having played before. Brilliant. 

Harry was off to the train station at 06:30, so I read The Times in bed and did some tidying up whilst waiting for 08:30 to roll around, at which time I was greeted outside of my house by my gorgeous friend Lauren (I don’t think I’ve mentioned her yet?). We went off to do Tooting Parkrun, which was a slow one by my standards, and a snail’s pace by her standards, because my legs are still hurting. We then got a coffee from a cute little van as we meandered back, meaning I’d already done about 10,000 steps before 10:30. Lovely! 

I quickly showered before meeting my virtual GP. To cut a long and boring story short, the hope is that my high testosterone levels were a one off, so she wants to send me for some more blood tests, but if they’re not, I might need to be referred on to a hormone specialist, whatever the fuck that means. Pray for me.

I then quickly made myself poached eggs on toast before tootling off to meet Lewis at the station, who had very kindly offered to come and slum it in Balham for a few hours so we could catch up. We had a wander around Balham Market, where I found some excellent protein cookie dough, before he very kindly accompanied me to Waitrose so I could pick up a few bits. I then showed him around my new house, before we strolled up to Clapham Common for a walk round. It was very nice to see him, and we talked about everything and nothing, and it was a lovely day, and isn’t everything just so lovely? 

Well, apart from my fucking legs – I’d done 25,000 steps by the time I got home and it felt like they were going to fall off. I therefore spent the rest of the afternoon lounging about, and I was in bed asleep by 20:30! How incredibly responsible of me. 

06:00 rise time again this morning, yes, even on a Sunday, because the grind never stops. I read The Sunday Times in bed before heading to the gym for half an hour of cardio. I had 10 minutes on the massage bed too – yes, you read that right, a massage bed, that massages your whole body. It is fucking incredible. I had a quick shower and made a chicken sausage sandwich before heading off to Streatham, which is about a half an hour walk from mine, where I had an eye test and then watched Digger, the new Tom Cruise film, at the cinema. Word to the wise, it’s an utterly shite film, do not go and see it. 

So there we are! My first week in London is almost complete. It already feels like home, and I can’t wait to spend the next few months exploring. Wonderful!