Saturday 3rd May 2025, 10.30: 

I find myself in the Aspire Lounge of Terminal 1 at Manchester Airport. I’ve just had a cup of tea and read The Times, digesting the “Reform-quake” results of the local elections on Thursday. Nigel Farage for PM? God help us all. 

Now is not the time for politics, however, as I am shortly departing to Turkey for three weeks. Three weeks! I know, it’s an outrage, but when you become accustomed to a life of leisure as I have, it’s just par for the course – I’m almost disappointed it’s not a whole month. 

Our raison d’être is to celebrate Babs’ 50th birthday, an occasion we marked with a lovely party in February, which apparently wasn’t sufficient. We’ve hired a huge, three-storey villa with a pool, an outdoor BBQ area, two kitchens, two lounges and five bedrooms. If you’ve ever wondered where my outrageous spending habits stem from, look no further than Ms Tomlinson herself.

I’m joking, of course – I picked the villa.  

It’s just myself, Mother and Donna for the first week, but we’ll be joined by Alison, Jenny and Liam for the last two, and Jo for the last week, so that will be nice. I’m going to try and get some serious R&R in the first week, because two weeks with Jenny Fell is enough to give anyone high blood pressure. 

Right, some loud common women have just walked in on what seems to be a hen do, so I’m going to put on my noise-cancelling headphones and listen to some Beethoven. I do wish they’d introduce a minimum standard of decorum for these lounges. 

Speak soon. H x

Saturday 3rd May 2025, 14.45: 

We’re finally in the air after a two hour delay, so I’ll be writing a complaint letter to easyJet shortly. We’ve paid extra to sit in row 1, since extra legroom is now apparently a necessity when Queen Hayley travels aboard. This also means we were the first passengers to be served drinks by the cabin crew. Donna and I both declined, so they asked Hayley if she’d like any food or drink – “please can I have some Pringles, a twirl, and four mini baileys”. Start as you mean to go on, I suppose? 

H x

Saturday 3rd May 2025, 23.15: 

We have arrived! The villa is insanely beautiful and right at the top of the Ovacik hill, so it’s nice and peaceful. Naturally, once we dropped the bags off, we came straight down to our favourite bar in Hisaronu, and I’ve just demolished a Bacon & Cheeseburger and a pint. I’m British and I’m on holiday, what do you expect? 

I’ve also decided I’m going to try not to smoke on this holiday. Any bets on how long that will last? H x

Sunday 4th May 2025, 18.35: 

As I write, I am sitting on the 1st floor balcony of our villa with my lesbian parents as they eat a cheese salad for their dinner. We’ve had a somewhat nonchalant day, starting with a drive down to Calis for the Sunday market. We had a drink by the beach before picking up some fruit, veg and meat from the market, as well as stopping for a mixed kebab from a family stall that we’ve been going to since I was in nappies. The sweet elderly lady who runs it once again remarked how big I’d gotten, but since my height hasn’t increased since I was twelve years old, I can only assume she was referring to my waistline. 

Following our jolly to Calis, we came back to the villa, where I read for a bit, lounged by the pool and went for a quick swim. A far from extraordinary day, but thoroughly enjoyable nonetheless. H x

Monday 5th May 2025, 12.00: 

We’re at Red Bar, which is owned by a family friend of ours. We’ve been coming here for decades, so the owner knows us well. They have little games out on the tables to keep children occupied, and Hayley was trying one where you have to make a pyramid out of 4 triangular blocks. She called the owner over to show her how it’s done, and he pointed at me and said “ask your genius boy, he will know”. It’s nice to know that my supreme intelligence is acknowleged worldwide. 

H x

Tuesday 6th May 2025, 11.20: 

It is a gorgeous morning in southwestern Turkey. The sun is shining, the birds are chirping, and the view from my balcony is mountains and greenery for as far as the eye can see. I’ve spent the morning so far working on my philosophy – yes, I have become so self-absorbed that I am actually writing my own philosophy. I’ve just made myself a black coffee, but I’ve managed to refrain from smoking so far – I imagine lots of you will have already lost if you took me up on my bet on Saturday? 

Yesterday was nice. We had a walk around the market in Hisaronu and a wander around the shops, before returning to the villa to spend the afternoon lounging by the pool. We had a barbecue for tea, which was bloody lovely, and then watched the film Salt, starring Angelina Jolie. I wouldn’t recommend it if you haven’t already seen it. It’s shit. 

We’re having a lazy day today, which means I will most likely spend the day alternating between writing on my laptop and reading by the pool. As well as my philosophy, I’m also working on some essays in the style of Montaigne, so I have plenty to be getting on with. I’m not sure what the lesbians are planning to get up to – something gay, I imagine. 

Speak soon. H x

Tuesday 6th May 2025, 22.10:

£3.35 for 20 Marlboro Gold and a lighter. It’s rude not to really, isn’t it? The waiters are also dancing around the bar and the twinky one just took his shirt off. Does life get any better than this? 

H x 

Thursday 8th May 2025, 15.30: 

I am lying on the top deck of a boat off the coast of a private island just to the West of Fethiye, listening to Sabrina Carpenter and eating a delectable fruit array. Life has certainly been worse. 

I usually try to refute the accusation that is often levelled against me – namely, that I am spoiled by Hayley – but in this instance, I’m afraid it would be futile. She had mentioned before we arrived in Turkey that she wanted to do a boat trip, but I’d said I’d rather not join her, as I don’t like having to share such an enclosed space with other people who, as it often tends to be other Brits, are often loud, rude and annoying. Her response? She has paid to hire the entire boat for a day just for the three of us. What a woman. 

Yesterday was a relatively relaxing day, largely because Hayley hit a pothole in the car on Tuesday evening and got a puncture, so our travel options were limited. A mechanic came to fix it for the fee of 600TL, which is approximately £12 – proof, if it were needed, that England is fucking extortionately priced. 

We had a beautiful dinner down in Oludeniz last night at a rooftop restaurant overlooking the beach, but other than that, it has been nice and chilled out. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go back to working on my tan as we float around the coast. 

It’s a hard life. H x

Friday 9th May 2025, 12.35:

According to my watch, it is 27 degrees. I am sitting on the balcony of our villa, drinking a black coffee, smoking a cigarette, listening to Slow Jazz and working on an essay (working title: Boring People). I am now certain that life does not get any better than this.

I dropped Hayley and Donna off in Hisaronu earlier, so I have the villa to myself for the afternoon, which is nice. I’m taking the opportunity to soak up every last bit of peace and quiet I can get before Jennifer Fell arrives. 

At risk of sounding utterly pretentious, I’ve been writing so much over the past couple of days that I’m actually quite mentally exhausted, which perhaps says more about the level of effort I usually put into my actual job than it does about the energy it takes to write some pseudo-philosophical essays. Nonetheless, I shall persist. 

Think about it, though – how often do you actually sit back and consider what it means to be you? Something for you to ponder, perhaps, until I post my next installment. Until then. H x

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