Tuesday 22nd September 2026, 16:45

Hello darling! I trust all is well with you. It has been a while, so I thought I’d best drop you a quick note to let you know how I’m getting on – in short, fantastically. 

I’m currently sitting in the living room of a gorgeous villa in Kayaköy. I’ve put House Jazz on in the background and just poured myself a glass of Sauvignon Blanc. I’ve already smoked about 20 cigarettes so far today and I intend to smoke about 20 more before the night is through. Slightly less glamorous is the fries and chicken nuggets I’ve just popped in the oven for our dinner, but we’ll gloss over that. You can take the man out of Hatton… 

I feel the most relaxed I have in a very long time, despite, or perhaps because of, the buzz of change that surrounds me, although it might also be the full body massage that I had this morning. I’ve been in Turkey for just over a week now, and whilst this beautiful country always manages to relax me, this time feels different, as though I feel genuinely relaxed. It is not an unpleasant feeling. 

I will be officially moving to London on Saturday and starting my new job on Monday. Although it took me forever to finally pluck up the courage to make the move, I’m now more certain than ever that it is the right thing to do, and I am looking forward to it with an excitement that I don’t think I’ve felt since I left Hull for the last time over six years ago, and believe me, the excitement I felt when I left Hull was so high it didn’t even register on the Richter scale. I think it’s that sense of excitement and confidence in my decision that has allowed me to feel so relaxed on this trip. 

I won’t bore you with all the details, but to cut a long story short, we actually started this trip in Antalya, as I tagged on to the holiday at the last minute with my ex-boyfriend Carl once he disastrously broke up with his most recent boyfriend. Anyway, as you’d expect, the hotel Carl had booked was awfully povvo and full of common tramps, some of which looked like steamed hams and some of whom looked as though they thought ‘vegetable’ was a foreign word for shit, so I quickly resolved to get us out of there ASAP. We duly set out on a four-hour car journey to Hisarönü in Ölüdeniz, which is where I usually stay, and forked out some significant extra cash to upgrade our accommodation. I don’t overexaggerate when I say it was worth every penny – I’m almost certain some of the clientele at our first hotel had tan lines where their tags had just been removed. 

Friday 25th September 2026, 09:55 

My apologies that I got cut off so briskly last time, darling, but I got awfully bored. Well, that and the chicken nuggets were ready and I was already a little bit drunk. 

I am currently sitting outside a little café on the beachfront in Ölüdeniz, waiting for Carl to descend from the skies above – he has decided to go paragliding. Personally I can’t think of anything worse, but whatever floats the old boat I suppose, and it gives me the opportunity to write to you. I’ve ordered a çay and lit a cigarette, as what else is one wont to do in this situation. 

I’ve had a wonderful trip. As I say, we started in Antalya, but quickly decided to make the move to Hisarönü. We spent the first few days in a reasonably nice hotel, which, quite gloriously, didn’t have a single person by the pool during the daytime, so essentially I had the whole place to myself – Carl was busy watching TikTok in the room because he doesn’t like the sun. Imagine coming to Turkey if you don’t like the sun? It’s like going to Burton if you don’t like claiming Universal Credit. On Tuesday, we moved to a luxurious private villa in the ancient village of Kayaköy, which might be the nicest place I’ve ever stayed in. Everything was stone or oak, the walls allowed us complete privacy, and the view was utterly spectacular. I will enclose a picture below since, as ever, I would not be able to do it justice with words. 

I brought four books with me, which I thought would be more than enough, but I burned through them in no time; More Days at the Torunka Café by Satoshi Yagisawa, Sunak at 10 by Anthony Seldon, The New Dark Ages by James Marriott, and We Chase Shadows by Richard Osman. I would thoroughly recommend all four, depending on your taste in books, of course. I have now been reduced to listening to a bloody audiobook, which is never as satisfying or fulfilling as a proper book, but needs must and all that. I’ve opted for How to Be Hopeful by Caitlin Moran, which, in fairness, I am quite enjoying. 

We haven’t really done anything particularly interesting on this holiday, but I quite like that, as my normal life is far too interesting anyway really. We’ve been for some nice meals, had a lot of drinks, done some shopping and so on. I’ve spent almost every day sunbathing and reading, which has left me feeling rather intellectual and beautifully tanned, which is all one can ask for really. I’ve spent far too much money, and probably put on a few kilos, but who cares? That can be rectified when I return. 

Anyway, this was never going to be an exhaustive blog, I just wanted to check in and let you know that, not only am I alive, but I am thriving, darling. Thriving. Speak soon. H x