Saturday 18th October 2025, 11.10:
I’m on a plane again, off on another holiday. Ideal, right? Exciting? I’m afraid not.
First of all, it’s a Wizz Air flight (Elia booked it, don’t blame me). I thought RyanAir was bad, but frankly this makes that shower of shit look like first class. Secondly, we were supposed to land half an hour ago, but as we began our descent the captain suddenly pulled the plane back up and went full throttle on the thrusters. Turns out, according to the cabin manager, that “the weather is very bad so we can’t land”. Fuck me, thanks Einstein, I think we figured that one out when the plane started violently shaking. Anyway, we’re now flying to a different airport nearby, which is a less than ideal start to the trip.
I should add at this point that I very nearly didn’t make it on the trip at all. Elia had originally booked the trip for her and her brother, but I found out last night that she forgot to change the names on the bookings when he had to drop out and I took his place. Luckily we managed to sort it, for the small fee of £128. I think that is less than less than ideal.
Right, we’ve just landed. People clapped, it seems sincerely, so now I feel sick. One of the stewardesses genuinely just said over the intercom “I’ll now try and find out which airport we’re at” – ok love, no rush, it’s not like I’m surrounded by poor people and crying babies or anything.
I’ll catch you later, if I’m still alive. H x
Saturday 18th October 2025, 11.20:
It seems we’ve landed in Montenegro. Fucking brilliant.
H x
Saturday 18th October 2025, 16.00:
The good news is, we’re finally in Albania. The bad news is that we’re still an hour away from the capital, it’s absolutely chucking it down with rain, I’ve got a splitting headache and I’m desperate for a piss. I think the only way the start of this holiday could have gone any worse is if Elia had punched me in the cock. In fact, I think that would have probably been better, as it would have been a nice distraction from the vile little cretin that keeps kicking my fucking chair.
I shall revert back later on, if we ever make it. H x
Sunday 19th October 2025, 08.15:
I’m currently standing on the terrace of our 8th floor apartment in central Tirana, smoking a cigarette, reading The Sunday Times and admiring the views. I think if I were to die right now, I’d die a happy man. Well, happy and well-rested too actually – I had 9hrs 45mins of sleep last night. After the day we had yesterday, it feels more than deserved.
We eventually arrived at the apartment around 7pm, which is five hours later than scheduled. We had hoped to spend the afternoon getting our bearings and exploring the city, but we were so exhausted by the time we arrived that Plan A was firmly out of the window, so instead we found a local shop, bought some cheese, wine, cigarettes and frozen pizzas (just the essentials), and went straight to the apartment. We ate our pizzas, watched a few YouTube videos on what to do whilst in Albania, and we were in bed by 8.30. Jesus, can you imagine me writing that five years ago?
From the very little we’ve seen of it so far, Tirana looks like a very cool and lively city, and there seems to be plenty to explore judging from the obnoxious Americans we watched on YouTube last night. However, I think the plan today is to head north and explore the countryside a bit. On the list is the Castle of Krujë and Lake Bovilla, both of which I’m very much looking forward to. Thankfully, we’ve hired a trusty Dacia Sandero (if you know, you know) to get us about – it was £30 for four days, which I think tells you everything you need to know about both Albania and the Dacia Sandero.
I suppose I should go and get dressed. Speak soon. H x
Sunday 19th October 2025, 09.05:
I think this holiday might be cursed. Our road trip is cancelled as all of the main roads in the city are closed because there’s a marathon on today, so we can’t get the car out of the car park, which also means we’ll have to pay a parking surcharge of £40 for the day. I honestly cannot cope with this.
We’re currently having a forced pit stop at the café near our apartment to determine our next steps. I’ve had a black coffee and a chocolate croissant, Elia has had a matcha and a pistachio roll. Take from that what you will.
Please pray for us. H x
Sunday 19th October 2025, 12.30:
We’ve just returned to the apartment for a spot of lunch. We decided to have the bread and cheese we got from the supermarket yesterday, but I sliced my finger open whilst cutting the bread, and the cheese we bought is absolutely disgusting, so we’ve had to settle for some crisps. Honestly, I am really starting to think I’m going to die soon.
We’ve been to a few museums this morning, Bunk’Art 2 and the House of Leaves. They both recount the history of the Ministry of Internal Affairs during the communist period of 1944-1991, and although I’ve been to these kinds of museums before in other countries, it’s still harrowing to read about the ordeals of ordinary people who suffered on the altar of communism. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to truly comprehend the time and resources that countless Governments, Albania’s included, poured into surveilling and terrorising their own people. A timely reminder that we ought to be more grateful for Two-Tier Kier and Rachel from accounts, and our gloriously ineffective system of government.
Turns out the cheese we bought was actually a lump of butter. I am losing the will to live. H x
Sunday 19th October 2025, 19.20:
We’re in a lovely restaurant near Tirana Castle. We’re on our second bottle of wine. The vibe is ambient and friendly, and we both want to shag the waiter.
Elia just said to me “I’m going to the bathroom – make sure you look after the fags”. I love a woman who has her priorities straight.
I’ll catch up with you properly tomorrow. H x
Monday 20th October 2025, 08.25:
Elia bought a souvenir Albanian number plate for one of her cousins yesterday. After we left the restaurant last night, she kept running up to random Albanian people, showing them the number plate, and screaming “BEEP BEEP” in their faces. I offer you this piece of information without comment.
Yesterday afternoon was just about satisfactory. We went to see Tirana Castle, the new Bazaar, and the Pyramid of Tirana. We both agreed that all of these things were somewhat underwhelming. I’m not sure if it’s because we’ve been spoiled by our frequent travels, but Tirana just doesn’t seem to have it. Nice vibes, and some decent looking restaurants, but not enough to keep me satisfied I’m afraid.
Dinner, however, was wonderful. We dined at a restaurant just outside Tirana Castle, which had a lovely relaxed vibe and a sexy waiter (I’m not sure if I mentioned that already). We both had pasta, and saw off two bottles of white between us, which was enough to get me slightly tipsy and Elia completely drunk. We talked about everything and anything, and we laughed a lot. I’m very lucky to have such a wonderful friend.
We’re going to try and head North again today, assuming the roads aren’t closed. Wish us luck. H x
Monday 20th October 2025, 12.05:
We made it to Krujë, which is, quite simply, stunning. It wasn’t an easy journey to get here, since Albanians seem to drive as though they have a death wish, but we made it nonetheless. In fairness, I’d probably drive like I had a death wish if I lived in a country that was 85% petrol stations and traffic.
There’s a very cute Bazaar that winds through old cobbled streets, with lots of little shops selling cute little souvenirs. What I have noticed on my travels, however, is that most of it, wherever you go, is mass-produced shite, which is a shame, but still cute vibes nonetheless.
It’s the castle that really makes it. The views are some of the best I’ve ever seen, stretching out as far as the eye can see. It’s just greenery, mountains and lakes, and it really is something special. We visited the Skanderbeg Museum, which focuses on an Albanian national hero, who funnily enough was called Skanderberg. He stood up, albeit unsuccessfully, against the Ottoman invaders in the 15th century, and it seems much of the national culture still revolves around him to this day, which makes sense when you consider Albania was subsumed into the Ottoman Empire for the following 500 years. Naturally, as a Brit, I find myself sympathising with the Ottomans, but such is life.
We’ve stopped for lunch at a restaurant perched on the side of the mountain, with the same panoramic views. Unfortunately Elia’s big fat head is blocking most of them, but it’s still very beautiful regardless.
Right, time to see where the food is, I’m ravenous. H x
Tuesday 21st October 2025, 11.55:
Guess where I am? Of course, darling, good guess – I’m in the Executive Lounge at Tirana International Airport. There really is nothing quite like it – I’ve procured an espresso and a Pan au Chocolat, and I’m ready to relax before our flight on Wizz Air. A polite request for you to just ignore that glaring juxtaposition.
After Krujë yesterday, we headed towards Lake Bovilla, but we only got about halfway there before the roads went from tarmac to gravel, and then to just mud, and the poor Dacia couldn’t quite handle it. Reluctantly, we had to turn around, but not before hitting enough pot holes to simulate a ride on The Smiler at Alton Towers.
We headed instead to Dajti Mountain, and took the cable car to the top, which is around 1,600 metres above sea level. The views were simply phenomenal, and my poor wordsmanship could never do them justice. We spent a while taking in the view and snapping some pics, and there was even a “love chair” that we had a photograph in together. Unfortunately for Elia, I think almost everyone we’ve interacted with on this holiday has assumed we’re a couple, which seems to have put quite the dint in her self esteem. Apologies El.
Once we were back on ground level, we headed to Bunk’Art 1, which is the largest bunker in Albania. Apparently, Albania has the most bunkers per person in the entire world, which I’m sure is fascinating if you’re into that kind of thing. Again, there was lots of interesting history, and the bunker itself was eerie enough to remind you of how prepared mankind can be to tear itself apart.
We spent the rest of the night in the apartment, exhausted from all our cultural shenanigans. We had a few cheeky mimosas, watched some YouTube clips of Little Britain, and contemplated the meaning of life. I’m not sure I could plan a better evening if I tried.
To conclude, it’s been a slightly disastrous holiday, and I wouldn’t rush back to Tirana. Albanians are very rude, awful drivers, and have horrible dress sense, but I’m glad we came, and I’ve thoroughly enjoyed myself.
See you on the flip side. H x
