Should the ease with which my friendships seem to be disintegrating perhaps not concern me more than it does? Some friends have taken issue with me and my behaviour, some have drifted away naturally, but in both cases, I have remained somewhat ambivalent. 

There was a time when this would have concerned me greatly, yet now I struggle to muster any real sense of attachment to the situation at all. If people wish to walk away from me, actively or passively, for whatever reason they have, then so be it. Frankly, I do not have the emotional capacity to care. 

I spent a very long time trying to – care, that is. If anything, I went too far the other way, caring so much that I became possessive and argumentative at even the slightest hint of disillusionment, but no longer. I know that I am an interesting person to be around, and that I care deeply about those who care about me. Of course, I sometimes have difficulty showing it, and sometimes I do not act or behave in the way most people would expect, but that is my whole point – if you really know me, you’d know that that is me. 

My thought process does not operate in the way most others do. I spent the first twenty five years of my life hating myself for it, believing there was something wrong with me, something that needed to be fixed. Now, I accept that I am different, but I also accept that it is not necessarily a bad thing. I have spent years reflecting on who I am and who I want to be, and in that process I have equipped myself with the knowledge and language I need to explain to those around me how to understand me. Frankly, if they do not wish to listen, or they do not understand, then again, I do not have the emotional capacity to care. 

I wrote an honest and emotional open letter to my friends, clearly stating that I have changed, that I understand myself better now, and that therefore the way I am going to behave will change, because I am going to be myself. I did my best to explain what this would mean in practice, I offered to provide further explanation if it were required, and I made it explicitly clear that I wished to remain friends if it were possible, but I would understand if it were not. 

How, then, can some friends still be shocked and surprised to learn that my behaviour has changed? How, then, can they find it within themselves to be angry at me for a turn of events that I made every effort to explain to them in a transparent and candid manner? How do I find myself the subject of fury and bewilderment when I did my absolute best, as I have always been advised to do, to make myself vulnerable to people, to allow them to see the real me? 

I simply fail to understand it. The difference now, however, is that I also struggle to care.