The Cost of Living Crisis
As many of you may know, I have a slight (crippling) spending problem. It has invariably been attributed to my wider, somewhat reckless attitude towards life, but I went to Uttoxeter with my Mother on Saturday to do some shopping and have a bit of lunch, and I have decided that, actually, it is entirely her fault.
Our first stop was the Uttoxeter Makers Market, a monthly gathering of, and this is a direct quote from their website, “the North West’s finest makers, bakers and creators”. This is, to be polite, something of an exaggeration, but it’s a lovely little market to wander around nonetheless. I spent £35, £30 of which was on a Christmas present for babs. Would you like to know babs’ bill? £122. I mean, that did include pasties, pies, muffins, curries, woolly hats, fuzzy toys and an assortment of knicknacks, and in all fairness, the curries did smell fucking amazing, and babs always looks adorable in a woolly hat. Oh, and we even got some CRONUTS and CRUFFINS – donuts & muffins made with croissant dough. I’d never heard of them before, but if you’re looking for an unbelievably delectable way to contract Type 2 Diabetes, I would urge you to find some and try them.
After that we had a cheeky gander in William Hill, where we both spent (lost) around £30, before stopping for a spot of lunch at The Old Swan, owned by one J D Wetherspoon. It is impossible to overspend in a Spoons – lunch came to £20, so I covered the tab, because I am such a generous young gentleman. We then popped to Tesco for a “few bits” – the bill came to £102. In fairness, most of that was me putting things in the trolley, but at £10 for a litre of Baileys, it’s basically a crime if you don’t purchase a few bottles.
Anyway, in conclusion, I’ve realised my spending problems are entirely my Mum’s fault, and I take absolutely no responsibility whatsoever.
Streaming Can’t Beat the Big Screen
Earlier this evening, I found myself standing in the foyer of Cineworld Burton, hastily googling the plot of Gladiator because I hadn’t had time to watch it and was about to see Gladiator II. I tell a lie, I had had time to watch it, I just couldn’t be arsed. It didn’t look like my kind of film, and neither did its sequel, and yet there I was, waiting for my good friend Adam to join me in spending two and a half hours sitting in Screen 2.
So why, you ask, did I agree to go? In short, because I fucking love the cinema. Say what you will about the extortionate price of the snacks, the saddening takeover of shitty superhero movies, and the inevitable decline in the face of streaming, but, in my opinion at least, cinema remains one of the greatest forms of art ever invented. As streaming services reach market saturation in much of the West, I strongly believe there will be a renaissance of cinema-going, much in the same way all the cool people currently fantasise over vinyl records. Even with your 70” 4K UHD TV that can simultaneously blind you with colour and burst your eardrums with surround sound, quite simply, you will never, ever beat the experience of going to watch a newly released film at the cinema, and that is a hill I am willing to die on.
Admittedly, I thought Gladiator II was a bit shit and I’d rather have watched Conclave, but my point stands.
Penises and Positivity
In my most recent message to readers that have signed up to my mailing list (which you can also do here), I began the email thusly – “First of all, a test – if you read this, send me a text within 24 hours naming one thing you like about me. If you do not, I will assume you are not a loyal reader, and I will terminate our friendship”.
Some recipients did not respond (their friendships have already been terminated, don’t worry), but you can find my three favourite responses below;
- I like how you’ve worked so hard on yourself and become the person you are, it makes me very proud of you, and you should be proud too
- I love your ability to put a positive spin on something and make me see something in a different light without feeling bad
- I like your penis
Variety really is the spice of life.
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