Saturday 18th June, 15.40: 

I’m sitting by the pool with my darling mother. I’m sipping a tequila sunrise whilst she nurses a vodka & coke. I’m fuming because I thought it had cost me £6, which is obviously a bargain, but I’d worked the exchange rate out wrong and it actually cost me £12.50. A complete outrage if you ask me. It’s not like I’m staying in a five star hotel or anything, how do they justify that? Oh wait, I am staying in a five star hotel. Easy to forget when that’s the lifestyle you’re accustomed to. 

Istanbul is absolutely beautiful and terrifyingly huge. Everyone drives like they have a death wish and almost every car you see has at least one dent or scratch on it. Taking a taxi is akin to asking someone to read you your last rites. We did take the metro earlier, to try and prolong our life spans slightly, and that was reasonable – 75p per journey, which doesn’t seem too much to ask. Unfortunately, however, this does include mingling with members of the public, so I won’t be putting myself through it again. At least we tried. 

There are Turkish flags everywhere and it’s interesting to note the openness with which Turks celebrate their patriotism, as opposed to us Brits, who assume anyone who flies an English flag outside of the World Cup is a racist. The architecture of the city reminds me a lot of London – enormous bland apartment blocks complimented by grand old buildings with pillars and an obvious history. I’ve also realised just how English I am as I continue to be taken aback by the fact that no one speaks English. We usually go to the more tourist orientated part of Turkey, where the way of life revolves around placating English people, so it’s interesting and also bewildering to be surrounded by Turks who couldn’t give a toss who we are or what we want. I was almost a little upset when we walked past the market stalls earlier and they didn’t even try to sell me anything. 

We haven’t done anything overly exciting today but it’s still been nice to just take a wander around the city. We stopped for some Turkish tea and also had a kebab for lunch (I’m ashamed to say I had to point at what I wanted on the menu – I’m downloading Duolingo when I get home). We saw some adorable stray dogs and I got a picture with a Turkish man wearing a bra. I can’t quite figure that one out either. Now we’re just sitting by the pool enjoying the sun – I’m doing a bit of reading and Hayals is topping up her tan. The book I’m reading is called How To Kill Your Family. Unfortunately, it’s a novel, not an instruction manual. 

Speak soon x

Sunday 19th June, 17.00: 

I’ve just had a shower, brushed my teeth, moisturised and spent 3 minutes admiring my tan in the mirror. I’m now lying on my bed writing this whilst listening to Harry Styles’ new album and pondering what to do this evening. Hayley is downstairs getting a massage – yes, there’s a spa in the hotel, did I not mention that it’s a 5 star establishment? I’m sure I must’ve mentioned that at some point. 

I’m thinking I might try and find a bar that’s showing the F1 – I found one last night that was showing qualifying but I’m not a fan of returning to the same place when exploring somewhere new. I say I because Hayley pretty much leaves the entire itinerary down to me – I think she just enjoys being along for the ride and that suits me just fine because, as we all know, I love being in control of everything. 

I’m also thinking of booking a sightseeing boat trip on the Bosporus Strait tomorrow morning but I’m not sure which one to go for (there are, unsurprisingly, a plethora of travel agents desperate for some GBP). I need to figure out which museums I want to visit (I haven’t even looked yet) and which landmarks I want to take in (I haven’t got much further than the Hagia Sophia). For someone who prides himself on being more cultured than almost everyone around him, my plan is shockingly slapdash. 

Oh my, let me tell you about last night. We went for dinner at a restaurant which was located directly between the Hagia Sophia and the Blue Mosque, offering beautiful views of both landmarks and the Bosporus. The food was absolutely gorgeous but extortionately priced (£120 for two steaks and a bottle of wine), and the views were incredible, but I found the waiter to be quite rude and when we discovered a compulsory service charge on the bill, it put a dampener on the experience. The only time I resent tipping is when I’m forced to. Afterwards, we went for a stroll around with every intention of just having a quick nosey, to try and forget the meal we’d just been served by Dick Turpin, before heading back to the hotel. To cut a long story short, we ended up in some random bar until 1am, racking up an enormous bill & getting terribly tipsy in the process, only to discover, when we eventually stumbled out of there, that taxis charge more than triple their usual rates after midnight. The point is, it was a fantastic evening and we had a great laugh, but I have no doubt the good folks at American Express will be rather worried about me today. 

This goes some way towards explaining why we spent the entire day today around the pool doing absolutely nothing. Although, in fairness, I’ve really enjoyed it – sometimes it’s nice to sit and do nothing when you’re on holiday. I’ve read several chapters of my book, been for a few dips in the pool and soaked up plenty of sun. What more could you really ask for on a Sunday?

Bored now. Bye x

Monday 20th June, 22.15: 

Hayley and I have just played a few games of rummy. She won the first one but then I won three in a row so she got bored of losing and we retired to lie on our beds. Harry Styles’ new album is playing (shock) with BBC World News muted on the TV (double shock) whilst we enjoy Starbucks hot chocolates that we ordered from room service (triple shock?). It’s a pleasantly relaxed evening. 

Last night we ventured across the strait to the other side of the city. We had a wander around some shops and I found an absolutely GORGEOUS Prada hat that was only £7.50! The shop assistant assured me that it was genuine so god knows how they manage to do it so cheaply, perhaps they get a discount for selling last season’s stock or something along those lines. We once again found a restaurant upstairs to do a bit of people watching and we once again spent an eye watering amount of money, before retiring to a little backstreet bar to watch the Formula One. There was a rather attractive Turkish man sat next to me who, judging from the cries of anguish every time Sainz failed to catch Verstappen, seemed to be an avid Ferrari fan. He kept resting his arm on the back of my chair so I’m 95% certain he fancied me, but I can’t imagine he’d have found it overly romantic if I offered to bring him back to the hotel room I’m sharing with my Mum, so I kept my thoughts to myself. 

This morning we went on a boat tour of the Bosporus Strait and, for lack of an adequately positive adjective, it was stunning. There was an abundance of beautiful buildings and the tour guide provided a brilliant insight into their histories, many of which stretched back centuries to the Ottoman empire and housed Sultans & the like. I think I took around 300 pictures on my camera in total, most of which will no doubt be shit but hopefully a few of them will manage to do the elegance of the architecture justice. Once back on dry land we found a little restaurant, had a kebab for lunch and discussed how we needed to reign our spending in for the rest of the holiday. We then went for a wander around the spice bazaar, found a shop selling some gorgeous Turkish rugs and decided to buy 2500TL (£120 for those of you too lazy to do the maths) worth of them. If any of you ever wonder how I manage to spend as much as I do, I urge you to invite my Mother out for an afternoon of shopping. In fairness, I couldn’t care less, the runner I’ve bought is going to look fucking stunning in my bedroom and I’m sure it will pair fantastically with the pink faux fur rug I sourced from B&M Bargains last year. 

We bought a few other little nick nacks (fridge magnets, bookmarks, key rings etc) before deciding to head back to the hotel, largely because our legs ached and we both wanted a nap but also because I could physically feel the threat of bankruptcy creeping up on me from behind. Anyway, we’ve booked another boat tour tomorrow to the Princes Islands, so I’ll make sure I let you know how that goes. 

After a power nap we went out for dinner. We took a wander down the road for dinner tonight and just found a quiet little restaurant down the back streets. We both had chicken and chips with a can of coke & a bottle of water each and it came to 150TL, which works out at a mighty £7.50, significantly less than the 1550TL we paid for dinner last night and 2470TL we paid the night before. Hayley reckons we should stick to the back streets from now on and I can’t say I disagree. 

Oh, and I’ve also bought a Louis Vuitton cigarette case. I know – iconic. Miss you. X

Tuesday 21st June, 18.00:

I’m on a boat sat opposite my mother on the way back from The Princes Islands’ off the coast of Istanbul. I’m incredibly tired and I’ve run out of mobile data, hence why I’m writing this. You didn’t think you were my first priority, did you? How foolish. 

The islands were gorgeous. There’s no cars, just bicycles and electric mopeds, so the silence, after a few days of literally non-stop noise in the city, was extremely pleasant. The Islands exuded that kind of beauty that is old & run down but special and desirable. You know what I mean, when the buildings are falling apart, the pavements are wonky and nothing seems to work properly yet you can’t help but wish that you lived there yourself. There’s a quaintness to it, reinforced by the peacefulness and the subtle, unconscious feeling of serenity, calm, content. The history to the Islands is twofold – some of them housed the imperial royal family when they wished to escape the bustle of the mainland and some of them housed those exiled from the city having fallen out of favour for whatever reason. I like the idea of someone being exiled to such a place, it’s hard to consider it a punishment no matter how much they may have yearned to be in the city. It’s the kind of place I could see myself buying one of the aforementioned run down houses and escaping to for a few weeks once a year, spending my mornings drinking coffee in the local cafes and swimming in the sea and my afternoons alternating between reading and writing whilst smoking in the garden. Ah, to be a member of the Ottoman aristocracy in the late 19th century. 

I think that’s enough pretentiousness for one day, even for me. Peace. X

Wednesday 22nd June, 22.25: 

Bloody exhausting day. I got up, had breakfast, laid around the pool for a bit, went shopping, had dinner and came back to the room. Honestly, I’m knackered. 

At about 2pm, after lounging by the pool for a few hours, we decided to head down to the Bazaar just to have a gander and see what all the fuss was about, with no intention of actually buying anything (you can see where this is going); 6 bottles of aftershave/perfume, a £20 glass tea cup, several ceramic bowls, spoon holders & placemats, an ashtray and £50 worth of tea (which was very nearly £200 before I implored Hayley to calm herself down a bit). I honestly think there must be some sort of compulsion to spend hard-wired into the Talbot DNA. Easily justified, however, so don’t worry – you’re only here once, money comes and goes, think how nice it will look at home, yada yada yada. Anyone would think I’m an expert at justifying my own less-than-satisfactory behaviour..

The Grand Bazaar is incredible. It’s like Skegness market if Skegness wasn’t a disgusting shit hole full of fat tramps. It’s not an over exaggeration to say that it goes on forever – once we’d finally decided to stop shopping, it took us another solid ten minutes to find our way out, and even once you’re out of the bazaar itself, it’s just street after street of more fake Gucci and tacky jewellery (much of which I would genuinely wear myself if I had money to waste). 

Jokes aside (they were jokes?), it’s hard to find the words to explain just how beautiful and mesmerising something like the Bazaar really is. Built in the mid 15th century, it’s regarded as one of the oldest & largest markets in the entire world, and walking through it you do feel as though you are walking through layers of history, soaking up the surreal feel of such an important global landmark, all the while being harangued to buy some Turkish Delight. I think if you were to boil Turkey down to one experience, the Grand Bazaar would be it – steeped in history and absolutely beautiful but extremely loud, busy and full of annoying men urging you to buy cheap shit. It’s perfect. 

We’ve decided to go back tomorrow, after we’ve been to see a few sights (Hagia Sophia, Topkapi Palace etc). My new slogan is BOTB – bring on the bankruptcy. Goodnight x

Thursday 23rd June, 18.00: 

I’m lying on my bed, deciding what pictures to post on Instagram whilst Harry Styles plays in the background. I’ve just showered & moisturised and now Hayley and I are trying to figure out what to do for dinner. Some could argue that I’m a creature of habit, and I wouldn’t dispute it – I like to create little routines for myself wherever I go, I think it creates a sense of continuity and meaning. I bet you didn’t expect that little insight into my thinking, did you? 

We got up this morning, got ready, had breakfast and headed towards the MUSEUMS. I know it’s awfully highbrow and cultured of me but I’ve been looking forward to visiting the museums I’d picked out for the entire holiday. The first was the Turkish & Islamic Arts Museum, which told the story of the many different empires which have controlled Turkey & the wider Middle East for the past few millennia through the paintings, scriptures, carpets, engravings and countless other artefacts they’ve left behind. It was fascinating to expand the (admittedly very basic) knowledge I already had about Turkish history and there are plenty of little nuggets of information I’ll take away from today and remember forever- for example, did you know that one empire in the 7th century spanned all the way from modern day Portugal right up to the western borders of China & Pakistan, encompassing the north of Africa and the south of Italy? I just find things like that utterly fascinating, and the art they left behind was mind blowingly beautiful. 

After that we wandered past the Blue Mosque, most of which was unfortunately boarded up due to restoration works, and the Hagia Sophia, both of which are so mind bogglingly large and exquisite that no words I could conjure up would do them justice. The Hagia Sophia was originally built in the 6th century during the Byzantine period as a place for Christians to worship, before becoming a Mosque in the 13th (I think? Maybe 14th?) century after the formation of the Ottoman Empire. FASCINATING. 

Finally, we explored the grounds of the Topkapi Palace, which housed the Sultan and his court during the Ottoman period (Turkey’s version of Buckingham Palace, for those of you who are stupid). The sheer size of it was quite overwhelming and the views were something else, looking out over the entire city & the Bosporus – I mused to Hayley that it wouldn’t be a bad view to admire whilst you drink your morning coffee and decide which of your advisors you’d have beheaded that day. The attention to detail on every last part of the interior of some of the palace rooms was incredible and every single room you entered was just jaw droppingly beautiful. I was simply in awe of what can only be described as a masterpiece of architecture and the history behind it was similarly awe inspiring. We were able to enter rooms where the Sultan would have held Imperial Council meetings & Treasury meetings, the thought of which genuinely makes me a little bit excited. Fat nerd. 

After all of that Hayley decided we’d done enough of my stuff for the day so we went for a late lunch and then did a bit more shopping. We’ve actually had to buy a small suitcase and a hold-all bag to fit all of the extra stuff we’ve bought as we don’t have enough room in our suitcases, despite the fact they were both half empty when we arrived. I feel as though the excuse “we’re only here once” has been well and truly rinsed to within an inch of meaninglessness. We then came back to the hotel to lounge by the pool for a few hours before getting ready to go out for dinner. 

Honestly, I can’t think of any other way I’d prefer to spend a day. Perhaps the only thing I’d change is having you here. Harold x

Saturday 25th June, 18.55: 

Oh my, I apologise profusely for not writing to you yesterday darling. I can only imagine how worried you must have been – don’t panic, I’m fine, just a little bit sore. 

Yesterday morning we checked out of the hotel we’d been staying in and moved to another one on the other side of the city in preparation for my transplant. The room in our new hotel isn’t as big, the food isn’t as nice and it’s only 4 stars, so I’m thoroughly unimpressed, truth be told. However, it was included in the price of my package and we’re only staying for two nights so I can’t complain too much (although I obviously have and obviously will continue to complain until we leave). 

I dropped Hayley off at the dentist before heading over the Bosporus to the Asian side of Istanbul. After swapping hotels I headed down towards the riverfront, as that’s where all the touristy kinds of shops tend to be. I got a few basics that I’d run out of (socks, underwear etc – 3 pairs of Calvin Klein boxers for £6, bargain) and a beautiful little egg shaped ornament thing that’s enshrined with crystals & the different names of Allah. As I’m sure you know, I’m a passionate atheist, but I admire the beauty that religion can inspire and some of the Islamic art & ornaments I’ve seen have been simply stunning, so I wanted to get a little something for myself. 

I met Hayley and we headed back to the hotel, freshened up and headed out for dinner. We found a beautiful restaurant and, because it was away from the touristy part of the city, it was about a third of the price we’ve been paying for food in Fatih. I had a pizza and Hayley had noodles, both of which were delicious. I’m currently reading a book called Confessions of a Sociopath, so after dinner we had an in depth discussion of what constitutes sociopathy, whether it’s natural or nurtured, and to what extent I myself can be considered a sociopath (Hayley was, unsurprisingly, very confident that I meet the given criteria). The book itself is bang average but I find the topic as a whole very interesting and I’m always keen to learn more about it. 

Once we returned from dinner, I realised I hadn’t spent much money during the day with dinner being so cheap & my purchases being minimal, so I ordered a car from Cazoo to be collected a week today – a white Alfa Romeo Giulietta. I’m awfully excited about it, it looks beautiful and it will be the first time I’ve had a car newer than 10 years old. There is method in the madness, so bear with me.. 

This morning I got up and was whisked away to the clinic, which was literally about 3 minutes away from the hotel (pretty much every bloke we’ve seen in the lobby has had his head bandaged up so I’m assuming this is the place to be for that kind of thing). I’m sure I’ve mentioned it to you before but, just in case I haven’t, I’m here for a hair transplant. I won’t bore you with the ins and outs of it but it was fucking painful, there was a frankly terrifying amount of blood and I now look as though I’ve been dipped head first in a pit of lava. Nonetheless, I am over the moon and can’t wait to see how it turns out once the scarring goes down and it begins to grow properly. 

So back to the car. I’m sure I’ve told you this as well but, in case I haven’t, I’ve been offered a new job. I have to pass background & security checks first, hence why you may have noticed several of my social media accounts disappearing over the past few days and a password being added to my blog (better to be safe than sorry), but if I pass them I start in September on a graduate scheme to be a Commercial Manager in the Civil Service. Yes I know, we all knew I was destined to find something like this eventually and we have no doubt I’ll be Cabinet Secretary by the time I’m 45, I’ve heard it all already. 

I jest, obviously. In all seriousness, for the first time in an extremely long time, I am actively looking forward to the future – I’ve finally had my hair done and I have a job I’m excited about so I thought fuck it; new hair, new job, why not a new car? For practical reasons it’s because I have little confidence Judith the Jaguar, in her advanced age, could handle the rigour of a daily commute, but between me and you, it’s obviously because I have a huge spending addiction and a burning desire to be the most middle class prick you’ll ever meet. All I need to do now is get back in the gym and get my six pack sorted for Marbs 2023. 

So there we are – my holiday may be over, but I’m happier than I’ve been in years. Keep an eye on me in 2023 – a rising star of the civil service, cruising the villages in his white Alfa with an Afro and a six pack. Life’s about to get even more fun, baby. 

Love you. H x