It’s an extremely strange situation to find myself in, especially considering the present circumstances, but currently I am the happiest I have been in years and it is such a nice feeling to finally be content. I’ve struggled with a long list of issues for many years but I think I’ve finally come to terms with most of them and, as a result, I find myself in the unprecedented position of being genuinely happy. For a very long time my strategy to deal with my problems was to bury my head in the sand and distract myself, hence why I spent as little time on my own as possible, but over the past twelve months, with the help of my close friends, I’ve tackled these problems head on and I feel so much better for it. If you’d have told me a year ago that I was facing two months in self isolation I’d have probably broken down, but I’ve been fine throughout lockdown because I’ve learned how to deal with my issues in a healthy way. If anything I’ve actually rather enjoyed the past few months. Anyway, the point I’m trying to get across here is that I’ve finally learned you cannot rely on others for your happiness – yes, my friends obviously make me happy, but unless you’re happy with the person you are and comfortable in your own company, relying on others to make you happy will inevitably lead to upset when they can’t provide you with the escape you need. Learn to love yourself and the rest will fall into place. 

Last night was interesting. It started with a quiz hosted by Sam’s cousin Jordan for family & friends in which I came last, one point behind Sam. I then took part in the 2 Gingers 1 Brooks Saturday Night Quiz, hosted by Lana this week, and again came one point behind Sam, meaning I came second and lost my winning streak. Managing to be one point behind Sam once was traumatic enough, but the fact it happened twice is just shameful, especially considering how superior my intelligence & knowledge is to his. Nevertheless, both quizzes were jolly good fun and it was nice to have a laugh with everyone. After the 2G1B quiz, Sam hosted a game of roulette for myself, Lana, Sian and Elia which, despite having no idea how to play, Sian somehow won. We all chucked in a fiver, so I assume Sian will be spending her winnings on more alcohol for next weekend. I then ended up playing picalo on FaceTime with Sam and Chloe Deville which was surprisingly good fun (I say surprisingly because Deville usually annoys the fuck out of me). Anyway, by the time I went to bed it is safe to say that I was absolutely steaming. 

I’m used to having to piece together a night out on a Sunday morning, but piecing together a night in my bedroom was a new experience for me. Turns out I’d drunk two bottles of wine throughout the night, so it’s no surprise I had a slight headache when I woke up this morning, and apparently I had been saying some mildly offensive things on Snapchat that didn’t really make sense, so nothing out of the ordinary. I’ve spent the entire day wallowing in self pity and cursing myself for drinking too much so there’s nothing new there either. The one redeeming factor of the day was the Sunday Roast my mother cooked – it was utterly delectable and just what I needed. Thanks Hayals. 

I’m writing this final paragraph on my phone as I’m sitting in the hot tub in the garden. Other than the bubble jets it’s wonderfully peaceful outside and the sky looks beautiful tonight. It’s reasonably chilly but no more than usual for a spring evening and I’m taking the opportunity to relax before I start to work on my dissertation tomorrow. I’ve got 10,000 words to write in about 3 weeks so that’s going to be fun. There’s something extremely calming about the silence of a Sunday night in lockdown so I’m spending my time in the hot tub reflecting on the week gone by and wondering how many more weeks will go by in exactly the same way as the past half dozen. Sam stopped by for a brief chat whilst he was out cycling earlier and discussing our plans for the end of lockdown gives me a slight sense of normality, even if it could be months or maybe even years before we actually get to enact those plans. For now, I’m focusing on the sky. 

It’s a short one today because I’m hanging out my arse. Stay safe.