Earlier today I found one of my old Blackberry’s so I obviously tried to get it working but, sadly, it wouldn’t turn on. I dread to think what I’d find on it – I’m sure those of you that remember what I was like in 2012 will agree that it wasn’t a great time for me, strutting around fat as fuck shouting abuse at everyone. Actually, come to think of it, not much has changed. Life was so much simpler when all your music came from tubidy and you could swap batteries with someone if yours ran out. BBM was arguably the key tool in my transition from innocent young lad to raging homosexual alcholic. Good times.
A few days ago I was discussing with a friend how a house party is absolutely essential once this is all over. I would love to host one but, as we were deep cleaning the carpet & repainting the kitchen ceiling before we left Portway Drive in 2017, my Mother vowed that I would never again be allowed any gathering of any size. So bloody selfish. I am therefore hoping that someone else will take up the mantle. House parties have obviously gone out of fashion since we all turned eighteen but I still believe you cannot beat the experience of being pissed up in a random kitchen at 2am with your best mates, talking shit and arguing over who’s drank the last bit of vodka.
I have now included an about me page on this website for which I asked a selection of my closest friends to send in some quotes to describe me. As much as I hate to admit it, there are some absolute corkers in there and, as ever, Tom Brooks has pulled it out of the bag with a typically disgusting & highly offensive comment. I imagine most people would balk at the idea of their friends describing them so brutally but I find it rather amusing and I am well known for being extremely humble. Gathering these quotes has served as a pleasant reminder of how, if I were to ever regain even a shred of dignity, my loyal friends would be there waiting to destroy it almost immediately, and for that I am grateful. No one likes a cocky bastard.
If you enjoyed this piece, congratulations. You’re witty and intelligent. Stay safe.
