At that moment, my heart was in my mouth. We all knew it was coming, it was all anyone had been talking about for the entire day, yet somehow it felt so unexpected. Despite being almost inevitable, it managed to feel totally shocking at exactly the same time, like someone was pulling the rug from underneath the feet of the entire country. This is it, we are facing a national emergency on a scale we couldn’t have imagined even a month ago, and the Prime Minister was on every screen in the nation announcing that our freedom is to be temporarily curtailed to such an extent that we can only leave the house for food or exercise. According to viewing figures over twenty million households watched Boris make his statement. Even now it feels like I’m in a dystopian dream and any minute I’ll wake up in bed in Hull with a twelve hour shift at William Hill to look forward to. How I wish that was the case. 

This virus appears to be bringing out the best in some and the worst in others. I struggle to understand just how selfish you’d have to be to try and deprive NHS workers of a chance to do their food shopping, yet there are reports of this happening up and down the country. I make no secret of my own self-centredness, but this behaviour goes far beyond being selfish, it’s borderline evil. I have always believed that people are fundamentally stupid and selfish but it’s a shame to be proven right, especially in these circumstances. Hopefully, now the PM has made it perfectly clear just how serious this is, people will begin to act with a bit more thought and compassion. 

I feel like I should address the elephant in the room. A few of you, after reading my last piece, have accused me of being arrogant and I feel like that is unfair. It is not my fault that I am more intelligent, better educated and immensely more amusing than the average person. If anything, you should all be grateful that I’m making these musings public – imagine how dull & miserable your day would have probably been if you hadn’t read this hilarious yet thought provoking blog post? In all seriousness, I am aware of the arrogant undertone in my writing but it is intended to be humorous and playful, not serious. I am afraid it’s your own problem if you take me seriously all the time (although I do genuinely believe I am better than 95% of you). 

I bought a bike from Argos today. In the summer of 2015, Sam Waltho and I would go cycling almost everyday and now seems like the perfect time to try and get back into it. I paid on Paypal Credit (four months interest free because I just love to keep accruing debt) and picked it up this afternoon. Hayley had to build it for me as I have a short temper with fiddly things like that but it seems like a decent bike and I can’t wait to get out on it tomorrow. There’s something extremely peaceful about exploring country lanes and feeling the wind rush through my seven strands of hair. Keep an eye on your Instagrams as well, I’ll be thin again within a few weeks and then you’ll really be reminded just how up my own arse I am. 

It has now been over two weeks since I last went out for lunch and the lack of dining experiences is beginning to take its toll. I would estimate that I go for lunch two or three times a week and during the week of my birthday, a few weeks back, I dined out every day, so having to eat in my own home is becoming very mundane. Obviously going out for food is fun but it’s the conversations you can have over lunch that I miss the most – I honestly do not think there is any better way to catch up with a friend than going out for a nice meal. I imagine once this is over I won’t eat any food at home for a solid month. 

I hope you’re all well. Stay safe.