I spent some time with a beautiful young man recently, the textbook definition of a twink – 18 years old, stick thin, fluffy blonde hair, and completely and utterly self-absorbed. Naturally, I was besotted almost instantly, both because of his overwhelming physical beauty, but also because he reminded me of myself at that age, and I am nothing if not utterly self-absorbed myself. We both agreed it was never going to be anything serious, but he quickly developed feelings for me, so the affair ended as quickly as it began, as there was no way we were seriously compatible – I read books and write essays, he watches TikTok and not much else. Nonetheless, it was nice whilst it lasted, I had a lot of fun, and I learnt quite a lot about myself in the process, and what it is that I am looking for in a romantic partner.
As bizarre as it might sound, one of the things I enjoyed the most about the twink was the openness and regularity with which he would fart in my presence. I fully acknowledge the weirdness of that sentence, but please, do bear with me..
We hear countless stories of how people hold in their farts when they’re on a date or, more widely, trying to make a good impression in any situation. Rightly or wrongly, farting is seen as taboo, as rude and unpleasant, despite the fact it is an entirely natural phenomenon. I reject this premise entirely, but it is well embedded within our modern society.
I feel, therefore, that for someone I have only just met to fart around me in such a manner suggests a one of two things about him – either that he felt comfortable enough in my presence to fart without fear of judgement, or that he knew I might judge him but did it anyway because he didn’t care. Whichever it was (I strongly suspect it was the latter), I think they are both attractive and endearing traits to have, because it shows that either I made him comfortable enough to be himself, which is a nice reflection on my own personality, or that he is comfortable enough in himself to be himself, without fear of censure.
A very close female friend of mine, who shall remain nameless, incessantly discusses her bowel movements with me, and she loves to let farts rip in my presence, largely because she knows I find it repulsive. On a practical level, this is true, because she has irritable bowel syndrome and her farts fucking stink, but on a philosophical level, it is actually one of my favourite things about her, for I adore the fact that she is so openly and unashamedly herself, despite the societal stigma around farting, especially when it comes to women.
Might I suggest, therefore, that farting is not only natural, but is actually a way of displaying your trust in someone, and a perfect example of a subtle but profound demonstration of intimacy?
It is also interesting to reflect on how a natural bodily function becomes so taboo in the first place. Farting is not the only thing, of course, but perhaps the most obvious example of something that is perfectly natural, yet extremely frowned upon. There is a story about the ancient Greek philosopher Diogenes of Sinope that I quite enjoy. Whenever he found a particularly large throng of people, he walked into their midst and farted. He enjoyed farting so much that he is said to have written an entire treatise on the matter called On Farting (I never claim that all of my ideas are original). When one passing young man cried out in rage at the philosopher for letting out a particularly whiffy fart, Diogenes jabbed him with his stick: ‘the sin, fool, is not the fart, but in failing to understand that farts are natural!’ he cried.
How is it, then, that something natural becomes taboo, and as with so many other things in society, why do we feel the need to hide it? We all burp, fart, piss, shit, sneeze, cough, sweat, snot and so on, yet to do so openly is so shameful that we’d rather make ourselves severely physically uncomfortable by holding it in until we are alone. Do we truly live in a free society if you cannot fart loudly and openly in the middle of a hotel lobby without being judged? The next time I go on a date, I hope they fart whilst we’re having dinner – it will confirm that they share my philosophy of life.
