I don’t miss him. On reflection, I think our personalities were too fundamentally different for it to have ever succeeded. It probably could have lasted, sure, but not succeeded. 

I do miss him being here, however, in the sense that it was just so nice to have someone who cared for me, took an interest in my day, tried to make me laugh and told me I was beautiful. Having never had it before, and being very aware that I might never have it again, I can see now that I took for granted just how nice it was to have someone that was there. 

I have written at length before about how lonely I often feel, but my recent bout of loneliness feels more fundamental, more endemic. I’ve always felt lonely on some level, but I’ve realised that I used to feel lonely because I didn’t understand myself – I worried that there was something wrong with me, that I was psychotic or sociopathic, and would therefore remain alone because no one could love someone that was broken. Now, knowing myself as I do, and having had my first proper relationship, I no longer worry that no one could love me – I just worry that no one will. 

Hinge and Tinder are grotesque, yet another example of how smartphones and social media have reduced the most beautiful and exciting parts of being human into soulless algorithms and mindless scrolling, but I genuinely pose the question – other than these apps, and going out drinking to bars/clubs, what options are open to me to find love? I have so much I want to say, so much I want to discuss, so many ideas and plans, but all you see is a selfie and a prompt, because god forbid someone be asked to read something that takes longer than five seconds to process. 

It’s not just love. By my count, I’ve made two new friends in the last five years, both of whom I met through work. I know that making friends and finding the love of your life are very different things, and the former is supposedly a lot easier than the latter, but they would both address the issue of loneliness, and yet I can do neither. It’s not even that I feel anxious or shy about it (although obviously I do), it’s more just the logistics – where do I go to find friends? Is there a Friend Shop somewhere? Do I put an ad in the classifieds? 

I don’t know, life just feels fundamentally isolating. Outside of that horrid little screen, I have a rich and interesting life, but no one that wants to hear about it. I constantly just want to escape – to somewhere far away, completely cut off, with no responsibilities and nothing but books and a word processor. Or, maybe, to London, so I can be surrounded by people, make loads of new friends, develop a really successful career (I include this ironically of course, because I could not give less of a fuck about my corporate career if I tried, because work is pointless and late-stage capitalism is going to eat us all, although the salary is obviously very helpful), and maybe even find the love of my life. 

To conclude – I am lonely, and bored, and frustrated, and trapped, yet still somehow having the time of my life. It really is a blessing.