Why is everything such a chore? I live in a state of constant paralysis because I can’t seem to make any sort of decision. I have lots of things I want to, or could do – I could watch a film, read some of my books, go on a walk, work on my philosophy, watch some YouTube videos, do some revision for my exams, or any other number of things. I cannot do any of these things, however, because my thought process won’t let me; a film will be too long and I’ll get bored, I’ve already read quite a lot today so I should stop, I’ve already been on a walk today so another one is pointless, my philosophy needs a lot of work doing to it and I can’t do it all right now because I can’t be bothered so there’s no point doing any of it, YouTube videos will bore me (despite there being literally millions that I could choose from), I can’t revise because I won’t be able to take all of it in so it’s pointless even trying, and so on and so forth.
I want to go to the gym tomorrow morning, for example, but there’s some sort of mental block that means I can’t. I could go to Branston Gym, but there will be traffic on the way because of roadworks, which will mean my journey will take longer, and sitting in traffic isn’t a productive use of my time, so I can’t go to Branston. I could go to Etwall Gym, but I don’t like their changing rooms or showers, and I like to shower at the gym, so that is a big negative, plus that gym is quite small and often the equipment I want isn’t available and I don’t like interacting with other people to ask when they’ll be done because it scares me, so I’d just end up walking on the treadmill instead, and if I’m going to do that I might as well just go for a walk with the dog around the village, so I can’t go to Etwall Gym. I could go to Fundamental Fitness Gym, which would make a lot of sense considering I just signed up for a months membership there, but when I went for the first time in years on Thursday, the Sauna wasn’t very warm, and even though there was plenty of equipment available it is quite a small gym and I feel quite close to the other people in it, and the showers aren’t very good and they only have three treadmills, so I can’t go there.
All of that, just because I want to go to the gym, and I am not overexaggerating when I say that is the kind of thing that goes on inside my brain for every single decision I have to make on a daily basis.
Sometimes, if I don’t have a pressing reason to be up (like work, for example), I struggle to get out of bed because I can’t decide what to have for breakfast, but if I get up I have to eat breakfast, but I don’t know what I want, so I stay in bed.
Sometimes, when I want to walk the dog, I can’t decide what to listen to – whether I should listen to a podcast or music, and if it is a podcast should it be educational or light-hearted, or if it’s music should it be classical or pop, or a playlist or an album, or maybe I should even listen to nothing at all, but then that wouldn’t be very productive as I could be using that time to learn something, so in the end I just decide not to walk the dog because I don’t know what to do.
Sometimes, if I have three emails to reply to, and I can’t decide which one is the most important, and then another email comes in that isn’t as important as the other three, I will reply to that one straight away because it is the most recent, but I know that the other three are more important so then I feel bad and that stresses me out, and then I get in a bad mood and I don’t want to reply to any of my emails, so then I have to stand up and leave my computer for a bit because I am annoyed at my emails.
Sometimes, if I don’t have any of my t-shirts that I like to wear clean, I won’t want to shower because I’ll have to put on a t-shirt I don’t like, because some t-shirts I like to wear and some I don’t, and sometimes I think I should just put the ones I don’t like in the bin or give them to a charity shop, but then I might need them one day, so I don’t, and instead if I absolutely have to pick a t-shirt that I don’t like, I will pick a jumper that I really like to hide the t-shirt that I don’t like, which sort of balances it out, but then if it gets too hot I won’t want to take the jumper off and I will get sweaty and it will put me in a bad mood, so generally it is just best to try and find a t-shirt that I do like.
Earlier today I was supposed to be popping over to my friend Jordan’s for a cup of tea, and I thought we had arranged for me to be there at 12 o’clock, which would mean leaving my house at 11.25, but when I text him to say I was leaving he said don’t, as he was still out, and he wouldn’t be home until 1 o’clock, and he thought that was the time we had agreed, and that made me angry as that meant I had to change my schedule and leave at 12.25 instead, which would mean finding something to do for an hour that I hadn’t planned for, so instead I just cancelled the plans altogether, even though I had nothing else planned for the rest of the day, because it messed with my schedule too much and it upset me.
These are just some examples. I suppose the obvious conclusion to draw is that I am autistic, which we already knew, but now that I actually sit and think about it, I am really quite autistic. But what is autism anyway? The whole thing is a spectrum, so surely every autistic person is different, which makes the whole label of autism redundant in the first place. Anyway, the point of this piece was to try and explain to you why I am tired all of the time and why I struggle to get things done – because even a task as simple as deciding between toast or weetabix makes my brain feel like it is on fire.
