Sunday 29th September 2024, 13.00: 

So here I am, sitting in the No.1 Lounge at Birmingham Airport with a double baileys, reading The Sunday Times (this Hezbollah business is less than ideal, isn’t it?) and eating lunch, which is quite nice in all fairness. I’m joined by my darling mother and our good friend Alison Colley, both of whom are childishly excited to be here. Welcome, then, to another Harold Holiday Blog. 

We’re off to Cyprus to celebrate our friend Jenny Fell’s 50th birthday. However, the twist is that she’s already there with some of her other friends, and she doesn’t know we’re coming. I know! Devious. Hayley has had the amazing idea of ordering some face masks of her and taking pictures of ourselves in them throughout our journey and, I must say, it is proving rather amusing. 

Wish us luck. H x

Sunday 29th September 2024, 21.50: 

So, good news and bad news. I’ll get the bad news out of the way first – our transfer to the hotel is a 45 minute bus journey. Frankly, travelling cattle class is beneath me and I loathe it to a level likely unheard of amongst modern humanity, but needs must I suppose. The good news has rescued my vibe a little bit though – 400 Marlboro Gold for £74, which works out to £3.70 a pack! God I fucking love going abroad. 

Whilst on the subject, I think when I eventually become Prime Minister, my first act will be abolishing all taxes on alcohol and cigarettes, with the revenue to be replaced by a new tax levied on parents who bring crying children on aeroplanes, charged at a rate of 450% of their annual income. 

We’ve got our bets in as to what will happen upon arrival; Mum thinks Jen will scream, I think she will cry and Alison thinks she will tell us to fuck off. We’ve agreed between the three of us that it’s not unlikely she’ll do all three. 

To the hotel! H. X

Monday 30th September 2024, 11.45: 

Well, I can finally say for the first time in my life that I have seen Jenny Fell speechless. Those of you that know Jennifer will know you’ve got more chance of winning the lottery than seeing her lost for words, so it was genuinely quite a special moment. Unfortunately, her speechlessness meant she neither cried, screamed, or told us to fuck off, so we all missed the mark there, but I think this outcome was better than any of those, and I’m so glad she can see how much we love her and how excited we are to spend the week with her. Bring it on! 

In other news, I’ve already had my proudest moment of the holiday – I taught two Cypriot barmen how to make a Baby Guinness. Well, I say taught, I put “coffee liqueur” into Google translate, pointed at a bottle of Baileys and then showed them a picture of a Baby Guinness, so it didn’t really take much skill, but I’m still proud I can spread a bit of English culture wherever I go. Or is that Irish culture? Either way, the shots went down a bloody treat. 

I think I slept for about 10 hours last night, which is quite remarkable considering the horrible bed I’m in, but I’m now raring to go nonetheless. However, I have forgotten my swimming trunks, so I need to go and find a shop that sells those first. Do you think they’ll have a Jacamo in Ayia Napa? I guess there’s only one way to find out. 

Catch up with you later. H x

Monday 30th September 2024, 14.00:

I have read ten pages of Intermezzo by Sally Rooney, and I can already tell it’s going to be the best book I read this year. Why only ten pages though? Well, because I can’t smoke by the pool. Yes, you read that right, I have to get up and walk to a designated smoking area to have a cigarette. Do you know why I come on holiday? I come on holiday because I like to lie by the pool, read a book and chain smoke. This is supposedly a 4* hotel, but it’s already 1* in my eyes. 

On we move. H x

Tuesday 1st October 2024, 12.20: 

I thought I’d be writing with very little of note to tell you today, since I left drinks early last night because I wasn’t feeling great. Well, I say early, it was 11.30, but still. Alas, I awoke this morning to be immediately informed that Jen had been sick in a bar last night. Quelle surprise? Apparently she got chatting to a nice woman and explained that we’re here for her birthday, so the woman bought her a shot of tequila, which Jen then downed and immediately threw back up all over the bar. As I say, I didn’t witness this first hand, although I’m sure you’ll agree that it is entirely believable. 

Other than that, I have very little to report. I spent yesterday reading and smoking, before spending the evening drinking and smoking. By my calculations, I smoked 43 cigarettes yesterday, which I would argue is impressive even by my standards. Anyway, I’ve decided I’m going to leave my phone in my room today and have some properly unplugged time by the pool today, so I’ll catch up with you later. 

Much love. H x

Tuesday 1st October 2024, 20.00: 

We’ve just surprised Jen with a 50th birthday dinner. The hotel has done the best they can to make the table look special, and I must say the 50 balloon does look quite cool. We all had one of her face masks on when she came down from her room and it was quite sweet seeing her reaction. Apparently we’re off on a boat ride tomorrow to swim with some turtles? That sounds exciting. 

I’ve just been having a conversation with Paul and Arron about golf, which is nice as we all know how much I hate small talk, and golf does not count as small talk because of its overwhelming importance. It also turns out that Arron is a friend of Sam Morris – is there no where I can go to escape the reach of that ginger monstrosity? 

You’ll be surprised to hear I spent the day smoking, reading, swimming and drinking black coffee. I’ve had worse days. 

Right, time to get fucked up. Speak soon. H x

Wednesday 2nd October 2024, 12.20: 

Jennifer Fell is fifty years old. What a significant day in the history of humankind. I feel like it’s something of a small miracle that she’s managed to make it this far, but I’m awfully glad she has. Happy birthday darling. 

We’re currently on a boat trip perusing the South East coast of Cyprus. I’d love to tell you how beautiful it is, but I spent the first hour asleep on a sofa by the bar, so I’m not entirely sure. I’m not even hungover, it’s just exhausting spending this much time with Jenny, who somehow has more energy at 50 than I do at 25. The rest of the gang have been in the sea and appear to be having a good time, so I assume it’s been quite nice so far. I might even go and join them. 

We’ve got a meal at a nice restaurant booked for later, so I’ll chat to you then. H x

Wednesday 2nd October 2024, 23.40.: 

I’m sitting at a table in a bar called Coco Bongos. You can smoke inside, so I’m happy, and they do a “Gin Fusion”, which is essentially a quadruple gin with lemonade, so I’m double happy. Jen looks like she’s having a nice time, especially since she’s just won a t-shirt for doing the best Macarena of anyone in the bar, which coincidentally was the worst Macarena I’ve ever seen in my life. Anyway, the reason I write to you is because there’s a beautiful man that keeps looking at me from across the bar. Does he want a bit? Or is he just finding my amateur dance moves amusing? I guess we’ll never know, but every time he lights a cigarette I get a little bit turned on. Who knew? 

That was quite coherent considering my inebriation. Let’s try again in a few hours. H x

Thursday 3rd October 2024, 16.55:

I’m having a cigarette. A child just kicked a ball at my feet as I was walking over to the smoking area, and I gave it a look of such disgust I could see it looked quite unsettled. I almost felt bad. I didn’t, obviously, but I almost did. 

Last night I witnessed what I think might be the most Jenny Fell moment in the history of Jenny Fell. As I mentioned last night, she had won a bottle of cheap champagne for performing the best Macarena, which does bring into question the judgement of the DJ. Anyway, all of a sudden some shots of tequila appeared, and events unfolded as follows; we did the tequila shots, Jenny heaved, Aimee passed her a plastic bag, Jenny threw up into the plastic bag, Jenny downed a few sips of the champagne, Jenny continued dancing. I have genuinely never know anyone or anything quite like it. What a woman, and what a way to celebrate your 50th. 

I left not long after that, around 1am I think it was. It’s not for me anymore, late nights in bars with flashing lights and extortionately priced drinks. I grabbed myself a pizza slice and wandered back to the hotel, content with life and the way I am living it. 

I’ve spent much of today lounging in bed. I’m not hugely hungover, but I was tired, so I thought fuck it, I’m on holiday. It was around 3pm that I eventually surfaced, and I’ve spent the last two hours reading by the pool. I’m finding it somewhat unsettling being away, the lack of routine and familiarity, which is nice in a way as it shows the positive steps I’ve taken towards building a lifestyle that I’m very comfortable with. 

I’ve just seen Alison walk away from the bar with a pint, so I’m going to pop over and see what the itinerary is for this evening. I’ll catch up with you later. H x

Friday 4th October 2024, 14.45: 

I’ve just read a chapter of my book and been for a dip in the pool. We’re sitting by some scousers today, and while I’m by no means a snob, their accent is enough to put me off my dinner. It sounds like your clutch grinding when you try and fail to change gear. 

Hayley and I went for dinner by the harbour last night, and it was beautiful. We both had fillet steak and shared a bottle of wine, which sounds absolutely perfect, until you realise Hayley has her steak cooked medium-well, which quite frankly is tantamount of terrorism. It was the perfect spot for people watching, however, which is probably the main hobby I share with my Mother when I actually think about it. We had a lovely time judging every single person that walked past. 

We went for a few pints with the rest of the gang afterwards at the bar opposite our hotel, which makes zero sense to me when our hotel is all inclusive, but who am I to question the wisdom of the adults. I spent most of the evening discussing the intricacies of life with Sadie, which was nice, as we all know how passionately I despise small talk. Why talk about the weather when you could talk to someone you met for the first time 4 days ago about your severe depression when you were at University? 

Time to put my headphones in to try and block out the scousers. Speak later. H x

Friday 4th October 2024, 18.20: 

As the sun sets on another day in Cyprus, I realise I’ve been quite ungrateful on this holiday so far. Not purposely, of course, but I find it so hard to relax that I haven’t properly appreciated how chilled and lovely it is here. So, tonight, I’m going to go with the flow, have a few drinks with my friends, and try to enjoy myself. What a novelty? 

H x

Saturday 5th October 2024, 15.35: 

I’m in a remarkably good mood. Isn’t that nice? 

Would you like to know what I ended up doing last night? I had dinner with Babs in the hotel, which, by the way, is like feeding time at the fucking zoo. It’s like most of the English people have never eaten before, which is demonstrably false, since most of them are size of small elephants. Anyway, after dinner I decided to return to my room to spend the night listening to music, reading, writing and smoking. Antisocial, perhaps, miserable, maybe, but I really enjoyed it, so who cares? I gather Hayley & Co got back at around 2am, so they seem to have had just a good a time without me. 

Sunday 6th October 2024, 22.15: 

My deepest apologies, I appear to have got distracted before finishing my previous entry. Of course, I would have gotten back to you sooner, but unfortunately I spent most of last night being violently sick. Before you say it, I had 4 pints and 3 Mai Tai’s, which frankly is little more than a warm up for me, so it wasn’t alcohol. I think it might have been sunstroke, as I’m infamous for being a complete bitch once I catch the sun. Anyway, the point is, I did not have a nice time yesterday and didn’t get much sleep, so I’ve been feeling sluggish today, although my spirits have remained high, which is nice. 

Why are you hearing from me now, then? Well, because we’re just taxiing down the runway for our flight home, so I’ve turned airplane mode on, which means I’ve got fuck all else to do. I know, I like to make you feel special. 

In all fairness, I did have a nice night last night before the vomiting started. Jen, Ali, Babs and I dined at the rooftop restaurant that’s part of the hotel, and it was actually a really nice evening with really nice food. My favourite part of this restaurant , however, was the (failed) attempt to look classy, whilst simultaneously having two pumps behind the bar labelled “White Wine” and “Red Wine”. I’ll let you draw your own judgements from that. 

I spent the entirety of today in the hotel lobby, mainly because it was out of the sun and air conned, but also because I couldn’t really be arsed to socialise. This didn’t really go very well, as I had at least one member of our little group sitting with me throughout the day, usually two or three of them, rotating throughout the day as they wandered off to do other things, but I don’t mind. In fact, remembering that I mentioned to Sadie the other day that I struggle to verbally communicate my feelings and prefer writing them down (autism be autisming), I shall say this – I’ve quite enjoyed the company of Sadie and her family this week, I think they’re lovely people and I hope we all get together again soon. 

In all honesty, whilst I’ve very much enjoyed the trip as a whole, and it was definitely really special surprising Jen for her birthday, I’ve realised that sunny all inclusives are not for me, and I won’t be partaking in another. Therefore, since they have made much better use of their time and enjoyed it much more than I have, I thought it best to let the three musketeers sum up the trip in their own words, which you can see below (please note that I have edited Jens slightly to try and make it coherent, whilst retaining that authentic 2008 texting style she inexplicably loves): 

Jen 

Hiiii honey h ….. my hi lite is when you lot rocked up with my face on you all & I was actually speechless 4 once I’m my life 🤪 

& of course when me….Ali & ur mum had cute night cus obviously we’re all cute! When I was in Tommys & actually puked at the table cus of tequila….& actually put ya mum & Ali off there drinks which is never heard of 🤪 Plus my bday day….boat trip….Ali missing the only turtle….you asleep….me puking in coco bongos in a plastic bag ….the list gos on 🤪xx When I went water park & won a cocktail 🍸 cus I won the hoopla & everyone sang happy birthday 2 me even though it wasn’t my bday that day…..& all my eyelashes coming out cus of the brutal waterslides cus that’s wot you obviously do when your 50 🤪xx

love you h ….love you all 😘xx

Hayley

Spending nearly the whole year lying has been incredibly hard for me, as we’ve been having to make excuses as to why we couldn’t come to Jen, so she didn’t know we actually were coming. I think we’ve done amazing to be able to keep it under wraps all that time, and I think we need a medal🥇

Some of my highlights are The fact Ali could come and Liams scan being stable – best news ever 💕

The little story we made on our way with our Jen masks on all over the place. Jen’s face when we went over the road to the bar she was at when we first arrived and how speechless she was, it made it all worthwhile. Jen got chatting to this woman in Tommys bar who went on to buy Jen a tequila shot for her birthday which made Jen very sick, straight away and the fact we have it all on video, that was hilarious. Then going down to the strip on Jen’s birthday, it wasn’t quite as I remember it 20 odd years ago lol, but we had a great night, Jen won a dancing competition, yeah, we don’t quite know how she did that either 😂 she won a bottle of something that she drank and had shots and was yet again, sick 😂 and yet again, we have it all on video 😂.  Another highlight was the fact Sadie, Paul, Amie, Aron and Blake all welcomed us into their group, we were a little worried cause we didn’t even tell Sadie we were coming cause then she didn’t have to lie too, we’ve all got on great and it’s been lovely, and big massive shout out to Sadie who has been our sun bed queen and reserved our beds everyday for us, we have literally got up and come down to our beds ready lol, true Brit fashion saving sun beds 💪🏼👊🏼. We went on a boat trip that was lovely, it was advertised as swimming with the turtles, but we only saw one as we were leaving our last stop and we all think the boat released it just so we could see one 😂 we’re not cynical or anything. Me and Harold went for tea one night to a lovely restaurant by the harbour and had a cracking steak each, that was lovely too. Me, Jen and Ali had a cute night where we just posed at being cute all night, hilarious. All in all, I’ve had a lovely time, nice and chilled, lovely time with lovely friends, not ready to go back to the rat race at all, but with Jen being 50 this year, me next year, we will have more shenanigans to come 🥂💃🏼

Much love, Hayals xx

Alison

Highlights!!.. obvs the J.F grand suprise!! You Shamu’ing on your moving portable bed! Jen throwing up beef stroganoff and making me and Hayals heave to the near point of throwing up ourselves and having to leave our drinks due to being so traumatised.. you lying fast asleep in the boat bar, with the bar man just looking at you like wtf!! 😂😂😂 Blake pushing Jen in the pool .. she nearly died!!😂😂 vid opportunity missed!! 🙄.. infact Blake and his general crazy ass ways/dancing 😂 Sadie’s sunbed and old men wars!! She moves into first position as the most angriest friend!!  🙌🏻 And finally you being poorly enough to not eat your fry up!! But not unwell enough to turn down a full plate of waffles! 😂 Ooh and mine n Jen’s massage! The woman kneeling on me on the beach 😂 and Jens masseuse letting off the loudest fart 😂   (Could have been mine but Jen thinks it was hers so I’m going with it 😂)

Harold

They put it better than I ever could myself. Finally, I can’t remember when I wrote this one, but I wrote it down as a bullet point and I feel like it can’t be left out: 

• Holiday Highlight = Babs throwing her ice in a bush because “well it just waters it down doesn’t it”. 

Life is a blessing. Speak soon. H x

—

Did you know, you can now sign up to regular updates from my blog here? Be the first to know when Jenny Fell is being sick in a bar somewhere!