Thursday 1st August 2024, 08.15:
Have you ever considered taking out life insurance? I’ve thought about it in passing once or twice before, but I have never really considered it properly. Anyway, I’m currently sitting in the back of Lana Buttrill’s car on the way to Manchester Airport, and it’s making me start to regret that decision. Pray for me.
You know what this means though, don’t you? That’s right, it’s time for another Holiday Blog! Lana, Kiera and Sian and I are off to Brussels for a couple of days. Originally we were thinking of going somewhere in England like Cornwall or Devon, but when we totted up the price, it worked out cheaper for us to go abroad – something else for Sir Starmer to sort out.
I’ve heard lots of good things about Brussels and, to demonstrate what a nerd I can be sometimes, I’ve always wanted to go and see the EU Institutions that, as I’m sure you all know, are based in the Belgian capital. We’ve also discussed a potential day trip to Bruges, a city that has also been on my bucket list for years, ever since I watched the cult classic In Bruges, so I hope we manage to do that too
I’ll keep you updated. H x
Thursday 1st August 2024, 10.30:
The girls have just sampled a taster shot of Ciroc in duty free and then ordered a bottle of Prosecco in The Lion and Antelope, at £38 a bottle – yes, thirty eight Great British Sterling Pounds. The tone appears to have been set for this holiday already, and I can see it’s going to go the same way it always does.
Wish me luck. H x
Thursday 1st August 2024, 15.30:
Well, the good news is we’ve arrived safely in Belgium, but the bad news is that we’ve got to get a fucking bus into the centre of Brussels. You heard me right, a bus. If you aren’t already aware of how much I despise public transport, I believe it to be akin to a form of torture. Coupled with that, we’re stood next to an unbelievably boring English man in the queue for the bus who simply will not fucking shut up. Yes, I was aware the EU Commission is in Brussels, no, I don’t want to hear about the experience you’ve had there before – the girls are indulging him because they’re typically English and polite, but I have made it crystal clear with my subtle (absolutely not subtle) body language that I have no interest in the conversation – if I wanted to be bored on holiday, I’d have downloaded Rory Stewart’s podcast (that one is for you, Oliver).
Now it appears that the bus we were about to get is full, so we’ll have to wait for the next one. How soon is too soon to commit a casual hate crime?
Typical Europeans. H x
Thursday 1st August 2024, 16.40:
Parents who allow their children to watch videos on their iPads on public transport with the volume on loud should be imprisoned for a minimum term of 28 years.
H x
Thursday 1st August 2024, 18.00:
The apartment is absolutely stunning. Two bedrooms with three double beds, a balcony, a huge kitchen/living space and an additional reception room. It’s decorated almost exactly like I’d decorate it were it my own apartment, with antiques, artworks and a plethora of books. The downside is that it’s about a 40 minute walk to the city centre, but an Uber works out around €4 each, so I’m not too worried about that – your boy has once again excelled himself with his holiday planning. 25 Marlboro Gold, however, were €15, and a bottle of Chenin Blanc was €7.50, so it’s clear that Brussels has not escaped the cost of living crisis, or cozzie livs for those of us familiar with the matter. Still, it’s cheaper than most places in England, so I’m not too fussed.
I’m just waiting for the girls to get ready so we can taxi into town and find a nice restaurant to eat at – we’re thinking Italian, because you can’t go wrong with a carbonara.
Speak later cherub. H x
Thursday 1st August 2024, 19.55:
We found an Italian and we’ve just had a lovely dinner. Kiera and I had Spaghetti Carbonara, whilst Sian and Lana had Gnocchi. It was very simple, but absolutely delicious. We’re sitting in the Grand Place Square, where the architecture is frankly mesmerising. Sometimes I wonder to myself how Europe managed to produce such sheer beauty, but then I remember imperialism, and I immediately stop asking that question.
Kiera has already been on Google Maps and found three Irish bars, so I’ve already got a good idea of how the evening will end. Perhaps I should open a betting market on who is going to be sick first? I’d probably put Sian as the favourite, largely because of her antics in Prague (if you’re unaware, you can read the blog here), but I’d say the market would be pretty wide open. Nonetheless, I’m having a wonderful time in wonderful company, and I genuinely feel so blessed to have the opportunity to experience places like this with the people I love.
Speak soon. H x
Thursday 1st August 2024, 21.45:
An old woman just tried to sell me a rose to give to Lana. Direct quote from Ms Buttrill: “I’m not buying a rose off her, she can’t even fucking walk”. See, it’s not just me.
H x
Friday 2nd August 2024, 00.10:
We’re in a very warm bar (frankly, I’m sweating my tits off), and we’ve just taken over one corner of the dance floor by putting our drinks in a single area and moving the chairs to surround them. I’m low key proud of us, but at the same time, it makes you realise the ease with which the British imperialised the world, no? Sorry, maybe too soon.
The sun never sets. H x
Friday 2nd August 2024, 11.20:
I don’t want to jinx myself, but my hangover isn’t actually that bad. Kiera and I left the bar at around 12.30 to get a kebab (of course we did) and headed back to the apartment. I downed a pint of water and took some paracetamol when I got back – did someone say personal growth? I think Lana and Sian got back at around 3am, as apparently they found a karaoke bar once Kiera and I left, so they spent the rest of the night there. I mean, they’re English and they’re abroad, so a karaoke bar is almost inevitable isn’t it really.
I was startled awake this morning by Kiera loudly informing me that they’d been to the shop to buy orange juice and croissants, which is just about the best way one can wish to be startled awake. I think the plan for today is to explore Brussels a bit, starting with the EU institutions, which I’m childishly excited about, although the girls aren’t really sharing my enthusiasm.
Speak later. H x
Friday 2nd August 2024, 11.35:
We all need a shit, which is pretty standard after a heavy night out, but Kiera has offered a new take on the cause of our stomach issues – “I think it’s all that foreign stuff”. Brexit means Brexit I guess.
H x
Friday 2nd August 2024, 12.05:
Following up from that, having just gotten out of the taxi at the European Parliament, Lana announced “I feel like the people here are really stinky”. Fantastic.
H x
Friday 2nd August 2024, 15.30:
I’m sitting outside of a cafe down a beautiful little side street with a double espresso, 20 Marlboro gold and a glass of white wine in front of me. Does it get any better than this?
We’ve had quite a nice day so far. We went to explore the EU Institutions; the Commission, the Parliament and the Council buildings. It almost felt as though we were scouting enemy territory, but it was pretty cool nonetheless. We then scootered down to the Royal Palace, albeit at a snail’s pace because Lieutenant Mong (as I have christened Kiera Kavanagh) was too scared to go above 4mph. We had a walk through the central park, took in some of the palace grounds and then had a wander around the centre of Brussels. An absolutely beautiful city, I must say. We then went to Wolf, which is one of those indoor food hall places with all the different cuisines. Kiera, Lana and I opted for Greek, whilst Sian had some sushi. The vibes so far have been absolutely flawless, although I mostly can’t elaborate on why, since most of what Sian has come out with so far this trip would constitute severe hate speech.
Time to get, respectably, tanked up. H x
Friday 2nd August 2024, 20.10:
I’m sitting with my good friend Lana Buttrill. She has been incredibly offensive tonight, to the point where, if I included what she has said in this blog, she would more than likely be cancelled immediately and face the sack from her job. It begs the question – am I surrounding myself with the right people? Yes, absolutely I am.
H. X
Saturday 3rd August 2024, 08.55:
A very good morning to you! I’m standing on the balcony having a cigarette as I write this, listening to the girls giggle as they relive the events of last night. I was a bit of a party pooper and left at around 9, which is probably a good thing since it sounds like it got quite messy. Apparently Lana met a gypsy and was asking him some, shall we say, culturally inappropriate questions, which he luckily seems to have taken in good faith. What is it with that girl? It seems Sian also tried to chat up the waiter, who frankly looked as though he’d only just finished his GCSE’s, whilst Kiera sent embarrassing snapchats to pretty much her entire contact list. What a palaver.
Once the sloths eventually get up and get ready, we’re off to Bruges today, with a potential stop in Ghent too if we have time. We’ve rented a car, since it worked out much cheaper and easier, so I’m driving us there. I quite enjoyed driving around Italy in my little Fiat 500, so I’m looking forward to doing the same in Belgium, although I’ve obviously booked a slightly bigger car this time, just to make sure we have enough room for Sian’s ego.
Have a lovely day! H x
Saturday 3rd August 2024, 13.40:
I knew Bruges was going to be stunning, but I didn’t quite realise the extent of its beauty. It is, simply, magnificent. The buildings are incredible and it’s got that old, narrow, cobbled style of streets that always looks one million times better than modern roads. It took us longer to get here than we expected because of traffic, but the car journey was fun so it’s not too bad. We’re currently sitting in the main square at an Italian restaurant doing some serious people watching, as well as filling up on pizza and pasta, before we’ll go for a wander around later on. Lana, being the big rig that she is, wants to go into the chocolate shops, and I want to pick up a little souvenir, like a fridge magnet or something. Kiera is still feeling a bit worse for wear, and looking even worse than that, so she’s ordered tomato soup. Looks like Lieutenant Mong should have come home a bit earlier with me last night.
Catch up later. H x
Saturday 3rd August 2024, 14.20:
The waiter, I’d guess mid 50’s and quite rotund, just came to clear our plates and asked me “can I take it all?”, to which I said yes of course, as one would. He then held his hand out to pretend he was taking Lana. Top notch banter.
H x
Saturday 3rd August 2024, 17.30:
We’re back in the apartment. We decided against a trip to Ghent, since we’re all a bit tired, although we have decided we’re going out, which is good since I’m that level of tired where I’m extremely keen to get mortally fucked up. It is our last night, after all. Kiera still looks as rough as a badgers arse, so I’m hoping her vibes will perk up a bit before we go out. Sian looks as rough as a badgers arse too, but I think that’s just her normal face.
I’m ready for 9 bottles of wine and some bad decisions. Bring it on. H x
Saturday 3rd August 2024, 20.05:
We’re sitting outside of the same restaurant we drank at yesterday afternoon, nominally because it’s a great people watching spot but more because it’s €20 for a litre of wine. Any city that serves wine by the litre has my seal of approval.
Lana has taken Kiera to McDonald’s in the hope that it will perk her up. I’ve upgraded her status from badgers arse to dogs arse, but it’s still pretty bad. She poured some lemonade in her wine in an attempt to make it palatable, but still couldn’t even manage that. Shockingly bad vibes.
Meanwhile, I’ve just worked out that I’ve smoked about 80 cigarettes since we arrived, which is simultaneously shocking but also completely unsurprising. If you’ll excuse me, I’m about to open another pack. H x
Saturday 3rd August 2024, 20.20:
The girls have just returned, with their McDonald’s, and are now eating it at the table. I’m genuinely almost lost for words. I’ve spent twenty five years trying to escape poverty and the behaviours that surround it, and yet I’m sucked back in, just like that. Absolute state of it. I’m trying not to laugh, but they forgot Kiera’s fries, so she’s even more miserable than she was before.
God bless the English people. H x
Monday 5th August 2024, 13.20:
Apologies that I didn’t write at all yesterday but, frankly, it’s a miracle I made it back to England alive – the vibes were soggy and regretful. I am feeling better today though, and as I reflect on another successful trip, I feel immensely grateful for having the opportunity to do these kinds of things with my friends. Brussels and Bruges were both absolutely stunning and I thoroughly enjoyed exploring both of them, although the highlight was probably the twenty euros for a litre of wine.
Thanks for joining me again – until next time! H x
