Hello. I guess this is my first blog post of 2024. How are you? Sorry we haven’t spoken in so long, I’ve been going through some difficult times, quelle surprise. You’ll be happy (or furious, depending on your opinion of me) to know that I am now in the best place I have ever been in my entire life. My mental health is positive & stable, I am enjoying my job, my debts are almost paid off, my friendships are closer & healthier than ever before, my physical health is improving and, after twenty five years of trying, I am happy. 

I know! I can’t believe it either, everyday I wake up wondering if I should pinch myself. Those of you who know me best, or have been unfortunate to read some of my more depressing (let us not beat around the bush – cripplingly sad, soul-destroying) blogs, will know that I have never truly been happy in life, despite the show I’ve always put on (what a fucking show though, right?). Well, I’ve changed. I have grown. Don’t get me wrong, I continue to put a huge amount of effort into my personal growth and my journey of self-development is nowhere near over, but when I wake up in the morning, I actually want to get out of bed and enjoy my day, which is a feeling so novel to me that, six months in to my new found mental wellness, I still struggle to comprehend that it is real. 

I won’t go into details, but it seems that I have found the right balance of medication, therapy and exercises (both physical & mental) that ensure I feel genuinely positive about life, and I just cannot emphasise enough how freeing this has been. I have spent my whole life in survival mode, doing whatever I needed to do to distract myself from my own thoughts and avoid suicide. For as long as I can remember, my only motivation in life was “I can’t kill myself because it would make Mum sad” – that was literally it. 

Do you know what my motivation is now? I want to have a successful career and become an expert in my industry. I want to earn lots of money so I can sustain the lifestyle I enjoy, as opposed to relying on debt, as I have for the last five years. I want to have adventures and go on holidays with my family and friends. I want to indulge in my hobbies; I want to play golf at the weekends, I want to read as many books as I can, I want to watch movies that make me laugh and movies that make me cry, I want to explore my surroundings with longs walks and bike rides, I want to play video games, I want to play Badminton, I want to watch sports, I want to go to the horse racing, I want to go on road trips, I want to take pictures, I want to explore stately homes, I want to run 10ks and half marathons and maybe even a marathon, I want to listen to podcasts, I want to listen to new music from my favourite artists, I want to visit art galleries and start my own collection. I could go on and on, my point is, my whole life has changed these past six months – rather than distractions from the bleakness inside my head & diversions so people don’t ask too many questions, all of these are now things I actually want to do, things I will actually enjoy, things that will actually make me happy. 

I used to feel like there was a black hole inside my mind that consumed & destroyed everything I came into contact with. Now, I wake up and I marvel at the endless opportunities that lie in front of me, the wonderful people I am surrounded by and the extremely comfortable life I have been blessed with. Do you know how fucking nice that feels? 

If you haven’t quite got the picture yet, let me put it this way – I am even ready for a relationship. Yes, you heard that right. No, it’s not a typo. I actually feel so content and happy with my life that I am ready to share it with someone else. Don’t get me wrong, I’m still that same old twat that you all know and love, so I’m not expecting this to happen anytime soon, but the point I’m making is that twatishness is now a light hearted reflection of who I am, not a huge clown show to distract from the misery within. I’m not a cruel, miserable twat anymore, I’m a happy, playful twat. 

So there you have it. I am back and I am better than ever. I’m now sure how regularly I will be blogging, but rest assured that when I do, it will be nothing but good vibes. 

I would just add – Hayley, I am so grateful to you. I genuinely don’t think I’d be here today if it weren’t for the relentless, overwhelming support and love you’ve shown me for the first twenty five years of my life. I cannot wait to spend the next twenty five years repaying you for being my saviour and never losing faith in me. You are genuinely one in a billion, and I will never be able to put into words just how much you mean to me. I love you, Mum, and thank you. 

So, in conclusion – let’s start living!