I’ve had a weird morning. Yesterday I had to go into the loft to fetch down my Mother’s scarves (they are retrieved annually at the start of November and returned once the Spring appears) and whilst I was up there, I came across four large bags of clothes that belonged to me, most of them dating back to 2015/16, when I was at my thinnest. I suppose I was saving them in some naive hope that I might one day be thin enough to wear them again but, looking through them this morning, I’m not sure I’d want to even if I could – I could get away with some of it at 17 but if I wore it now I’d almost certainly look like a cunt. Anyway, many of these clothes brought back memories of my teenage years, especially when I came across the shirt I wore on my last day of school which had been signed by all of my friends. Many of the messages, quite unsurprisingly, revolve around my sexuality and weight, and I look back now and find myself furious at what an ungrateful bastard I was. I was wearing a size small shirt and a size 30” trousers, thinner than I’d ever been and will probably ever be again, the most popular I’d ever be, surrounded by friends who adored me, confident, bordering on arrogant, with the way I looked yet still, under the facade, utterly depressed and hollow, telling anyone who would listen how fat and disgusting I was, completely insecure in my sexuality and in myself. It’s so easy to look back at that time and wish I could go back, but I have to remind myself that it wasn’t as fun as I think, and the pictures of me looking stunning at endless house parties mask the reality of the deep-seated issues I was dealing with. 

I’m listening to Lana Del Rey in my room as I write this, having chucked most of those clothes in the skip outside, and drinking a black coffee. I’m in a bizarre place with life at the moment, not as depressed as I was a few months ago but still struggling to find the motivation to actively wish to participate in life. I suppose that my reminder this morning of how depressed I was eight years ago should be the hint that I’ll probably be feeling like this forever – such fun! 

Before it gets too depressing, I’ll give you a quick life update. I can’t remember if I told you, but we’ve got a new little pooch, a mini chocolate dachshund called Forest. I chose the name – one of the most popular types of cacao trees is a Forastero, so I took Forest from that. I think it’s quite sweet (apologies for the pun). He is the most adorable little creature I’ve ever had the pleasure of meeting, he’s so well behaved and absolutely showers you with love everytime you see him. The cynic in me thinks it’s pathetic that the purchase of a dog could help lift me out of the incredibly dark places I’ve been in recently, but then I go and have five minutes of cuddles with him and all I can think about is how utterly obsessed I am with this little animal that I’ve only known for two months. God I fucking love dogs. 

I start a new job on Monday! Yes, I know, I only got my promotion at the Ministry of Defence a few months ago, but, long story short, the work is boring, the people aren’t great, there is little opportunity for development & progression and it doesn’t challenge me anywhere near enough. Therefore, I have accepted an offer to be a Senior Associate at PwC, a company I never thought I’d have the opportunity to work for in my wildest dreams. I’m going to be based in their swanky new offices in Birmingham and I’m genuinely so excited to get started, they sound like they have a fantastic culture with plenty of opportunity for development & progression and lots of challenging work to get stuck into, which is exactly what I need. In an additional little bonus, my darling Hayals has also just started a new job based in Birmingham, and her office is literally a five minute walk from mine, so I’m quite looking forward to cute city lunches together. Anyway, wish me luck! 

What else is there? We’ve got a massive group excursion to Dublin planned in December for Mr Morris’ birthday, so I’ve got that to look forward to for now. Oh, a few more random things to update you with! Firstly, I spent £600 on clothes last month in a complete wardrobe refresh, and secondly my hair has now grown to the point where I can wear it down & messy again – long story short, I look sexier than I have in a very long time right now and I would probably have a go on myself. 

I think that’s everything and I’m bored now anyway. Speak soon. H x