Tuesday 6th September 2023, 19.50:
I’m currently sitting in the garden of Ye Olde Six Bells, a fine little pub just around the corner from Gatwick Airport, listening in to the conversation between a couple of Australians behind me discussing the current state of the British Monarchy. I’m enjoying a glass of Sauvignon Blanc and doing my absolute best to avoid engaging in conversation with Sam and Adam.
Welcome, then, to another Harold holiday blog. I can’t promise it will be as interesting or funny as my previous entries, as we’re missing the company of a certain Mr Brooks, but I shall do my best to provide a witty & amusing insight to the life of my friends and I whilst we enjoy everything Croatia has to offer.
Strap in. H x
Wednesday 6th September 2023, 13.05:
We have arrived in Dubrovnik. It’s 30 degrees and Sam has just spent €19.50 on two beers, so he’s about as happy as one can be. I’m not drinking because I’m not on that vibe yet, although I’m sure it won’t be long before I’m forced to do so, just to make the company I’m ‘enjoying’ bearable.
Dubrovnik seems like a beautiful little city, it’s not what I expected but it looks wonderful. There’s an old town that we’re going to explore at some point, but we’re currently sitting at a little harbour bar soaking up the rays. I’m sure Samuel will put together an itinerary for us at some point soon, there’s little he enjoys more than organising & ordering people about, but for now we’re just going with the flow, pondering what to have for lunch.
I’m going to have another cigarette. Chow. H x
Wednesday 6th September 2023, 18.50:
So here I am, chain smoking and having a Sauvignon Blanc, sitting outside of a cute little bar in Dubrovnik old town. We’re discussing the intricacies of the political situation in Sub-Saharan Africa and whether there should be more of a role for British foreign policy in the area. I’m kidding, obviously, we’re discussing which of the women around us has the biggest tits.
The old town is absolutely stunning. It’s surprisingly tiny and the streets are quite claustrophobic, but there’s so much character and charm packed into such a small place. It isn’t cheap but the vibe is immaculate and the people watching opportunities are endless. My knowledge of the history of the area is limited but I’m keen to learn more as it sounds absolutely fascinating, something along the lines of the city being formerly self-governing and the ancient walls being built around it to protect it. I’m hoping I can persuade Dick & Dom to walk the walls with me at some point, although I might have to offer some form of alcoholic beverage as a potential reward.
The apartment we’re staying in is absolutely gorgeous, my favourite part being the balcony with a view of the mountains, and I’ve even managed to nab a bedroom to myself by threatening to assault either of the twins if they try to get in my bed. I’m almost positive they secretly enjoy sleeping together anyway, they both fart & snore relentlessly, so they’re well suited. We went to the supermarket earlier to get a few basics, bread & milk etc – Adam spent €14, I spent €17 and Sam spent €53. I’m sure that man has some sort of fetish to spend as much money as he can and then immediately tell you about it.
Right, my next glass of wine has just arrived – ta ta for now. H x
Wednesday 6th September 2023, 22.20:
Sam Morris just paid €15.90 for a vodka red bull. That’s all I have to say.
H x
Thursday 7th September 2023, 14.25:
I’m sitting enjoying a glass of water at Banje Beach, which I’m pretty sure is going to cost me the same as the two pints the twins have just ordered, such is the outrageous tourist pricing of the area. Fuming.
This morning we hiked up the mountain that populates the Dubrovnik skyline in scorching 30 degree heat, which perhaps wasn’t our wisest move, since Adam kept having to stop because he felt as though he was going to pass out. Nonetheless, he managed it in the end and the views at the top were well worth it, they were utterly stunning and you could see the entire city below, as well as more mountains for miles around. Adam and I quickly decided that we were getting a taxi back down, whilst SSM Fit decided he wanted to hike back down – it filled me with dry amusement when we got a text in the back of the taxi that he’d fell on his arse and grazed his arm.
I’m now pondering whether to go in the sea. Decisions decisions. Speak soon. H x
Thursday 7th September 2023, 22.45:
Adam just told a Canadian woman that Sam used to play “professional lawn bowls” for the England team. I’m almost certain that doesn’t exist.
H x
Friday 8th September 2023. 14.10:
I’m currently sitting on the city walls of Dubrovnik, which were first built in the 13th century to protect the city from invaders. The walls offer glorious views of the old town and the islands dotted along the coast, and I’m genuinely slightly taken aback by the sheer beauty of the place. Laurel & Hardy have opted to go sea kayaking instead so I’m able to soak up the sights in my own little world of peace & quiet, and I’m absolutely revelling in it.
There’s beautiful items of history dotted along the walls, like old abandoned cannons, and you can almost feel the significance of the surroundings. The architecture of the city is stunning, and there’s no roads or vehicles inside the city walls because it’s completely pedestrianised, which gives it such a serene & peaceful feeling.
It’s not a bad life is it really. H x
Friday 8th September 2023, 16.15:
I’ve just sat down at a little cafe opposite the Rector’s Palace, ordered myself an Americano and lit a cigarette, because I’m nothing if not a try hard. I’ve visited every museum & art gallery that Dubrovnik has to offer and I am thoroughly impressed with the cultural riches this city contains. I spent ten minutes alone sitting & looking at Working Man (1932) by Gabro Rajčević – I’m not sure what it was but I was utterly captivated by the beauty of that painting. I urge you to look it up.
I’ve had an almost perfect afternoon indulging the heritage of this wonderful city, and now that I’m sitting down I’m going to further indulge my all-time favourite hobby – people watching. There is little I enjoy more than sitting outside of a cafe in a city I’ve never been to and observing those around me, wondering where they’re from, what they’re talking about and what led them to make such terrible fashion decisions. Last night, for example, I genuinely saw a young man wearing a denim cut-off jacket with baggy chino trousers. Like, why would you do that to yourself darling? Are you ok?
I think Charles & Andrew will be along to join me shortly (no prizes for guessing which one is Andrew). I FaceTimed Andy when they were out on the water and, whilst I wouldn’t have swapped my afternoon for theirs, the views they were enjoying did look absolutely gorgeous. Not to be overdramatic (we all know I don’t like melodrama) but it’s honestly really nice to be reminded that, in the miserable reality of the modern world, such places of pure beauty can still exist so indifferently.
Right, I best give Andy another call and see where they’re at. H x
Saturday 9th September 2023, 12.50:
We’re 2hrs in to a four hour drive from Dubrovnik to Split in a lovely little Peugeot 2008 we’ve rented. We managed 100km before Sam drove on the wrong side of the road and nearly killed us, which is quite impressive considering what a completely fucking reckless driver he is. The rolling views are simply stunning and I’m quite happy to sit in the back soaking it all up whilst reading the latest issue of The Economist – oil prices and grain shortages, am I right?
Sam is simultaneously moaning that his “sinus’ are fucked” whilst also plotting how many beach clubs he can squeeze into this afternoon, and Adam keeps shouting at him to keep his eyes on the road since he insists on replying to every WhatsApp he receives. He is using Apple car play in his defence, although I’m not sure that is much of a defence. We’ve just stopped at the services for a hot dog and a coffee and I must say I’m quite enjoying this little road trip, it’s just a shame about the company.
I’ll let you know when (if) we arrive in Split. H x
Saturday 9th September 2023, 15.25:
We made it to Split without dying. The apartment is a shit hole.
H x
Sunday 10th September 2023, 13.35:
I’m currently sitting in the apartment waiting for Pinky & Percy to shower and get ready to go out. I think we’re going down to the town to book some excursions for the next couple of days, although we’re having a slight difference of opinion as to what we’d like to do – I’d like to go and explore the Krka Waterfalls, whereas Sam wants to go to an island that’s “full of fucking beach clubs”. A classic conundrum.
Split is a much more lively/party type of place, much to my displeasure, although it’s still stunning architecturally and I think there’s still a decent amount of historical/cultural type stuff for me to explore. I’ve been awake since 11am with a mild hangover but it seems to take at least 3-4 hours for the three of us to actually get up & ready to go out, which is a pain in the arse.
I’ll let you know what I end up doing. H x
Monday 11th September 2023, 14.45:
I’m currently sitting in a nice little restaurant on the Harbour in Hvar, an hour’s boat ride from Split. It’s a gorgeous little island with lots of cute shops and plenty of walks to explore. However, it’s unbelievably warm and, although I hate to admit it, I’m quite hungover – last night was the first night I gave in to the Sam Morris charm and got properly pissed up. I think it was the baby guinness that did it.
Adam and I spent yesterday wandering around Split whilst Brendon went to the beach. There isn’t quite as much to do as there was in Dubrovnik but it was still interesting and there was plenty of beautiful architecture to soak up.
It’s too hot to write anything else. H x
Monday 11th September 2023, 20.45:
I’ve just had a GORGEOUS margarita pizza outside of a little Italian place on the harbour, accompanied by a large glass of Sauvignon and several cigarettes. I can’t explain it, but smoking is just so wonderful, and I’d thoroughly recommend it.
It’s a wonderful spot for people watching. There’s a bloke sitting on a bench with a massive yellow snake, and Sam is shit scared of snakes, so that’s quite enjoyable to watch. There’s a bloke sat opposite us next to two women with a pint and a fag on and I’d struggle to put into words how attractive he is, it’s like staring at a Greek god. There is something about a man smoking a cigarette that is just glorious, although it is a roll up, which suggests he’s povvo, which dents the allure quite a bit.
There are some annoying women sitting next to us, you know the giggly loud types that think everything is funny. One of them just ordered the Gnocchi, but with pasta instead of gnocchi – that’s not fucking gnocchi then, is it babe? Ugh, it’s honestly exhausting spending so much time looking down on others from such a preposterously high perch.
Right, another glass of large white wine has just arrived, which was inconspicuously ordered for me whilst I was in the loo. I suppose Sam isn’t all bad. H x
Monday 11th September 2023, 23.40:
Sam Morris just got an entire bar of people to sing happy birthday to me. My birthday is the 2nd March. Wanker.
H x
Tuesday 12th September 2023, 14.40:
I’m lying on the deck of a speedboat cruising towards an island off the coast of Split. Life feels pretty good right now. We’re off exploring for the day, visiting a few different island towns and going swimming in the sea. I felt awfully rough when I first woke up and I remember very little of last night, but I’m starting to feel a bit better now – tequila and baby Guinness are bloody dangerous.
Catch up later. H x
Tuesday 12th September 2023, 21.05:
None of the Irish bars are showing the England vs Scotland game, so I’m currently sitting outside the same Italian restaurant as last night twiddling my thumbs as the chuckle brothers sit watching the game on Adam’s phone. They’ve got the volume at an entirely obnoxious level and I’m borderline embarrassed to be sitting with such delinquents, but I guess you have to take the rough with the smooth.
Today was wonderful. We cruised around the coast on a speedboat, swam in the sea and relaxed on a few different beaches. We visited a little town called Trogir which had some simply stunning architecture and a beautiful old fortress, and there were so many enormous yachts docked in the harbour, it made me feel rather povvo.
There’s so much to see & explore around Split, I could easily spend another few days here, alas tonight is our last night. Sam is determined to make it a memorable one, as he did last night – I have no memories other than the two of us having a very deep & emotional chat on a rooftop bar and Sam almost crying – no joke, there were tears in his eyes. Unsurprisingly, normal service has been resumed today and I’m regularly being reminded that my gut is rather large. Again, rough with the smooth.
Right, I believe I’ve just been ordered a shot, against my will, so I best attend to business. H x
Tuesday 12th September 2023, 23.45:
We’ve just been into the kebab shop down the road from our apartment, and the boss man recognised us. I tell no word of a lie, he looks at me and says “ah you had too much to drink last night yes?”. Mortified.
H x
Wednesday 13th September 2033, 15.40:
We’re half an hour away from home on the M1 and I’m just about ready to have a breakdown. We’ve been travelling since 7.30am and the Kray twins really do not make good travel companions – they walk off without me, they’re obnoxious, they relentlessly bicker and they’re just a pair of arseholes in all honesty.
Nonetheless, I’ve actually really enjoyed my holiday. We laughed a lot, explored a lot, drank a lot and just had a really nice time. Perhaps best of all, Sam and I haven’t fell out once the entire time, which, as those of you who know us best will recognise, is a huge fucking achievement. Croatia is a beautiful country and I’m grateful I got the opportunity to experience it, and I’d definitely recommend it.
Until the next one. H x
