I find myself sitting alone in my room, listening to a Lana Del Rey album with my windows open and the sounds of birds tweeting in the background, wishing I could smoke inside without it making everything smell or having my Mother evict me. Sometimes I wonder if I try too hard to be one of those emotionally unstable mysterious gays that seem fascinatingly unreachable, but then I remember that I actually like these things, I am not very mysterious and I am probably just a bit of a twat.
Just a few random things I want to get off my chest. First of all, smartphones are a scourge that have destroyed attention spans, increased emotional instability and denied us the pleasures and experience of the pursuits that generations before us enjoyed without hindrance or distraction. Secondly, the protein ice cream that Aldi do is fucking brilliant and actually pretty good calorie wise, would 10/10 recommend. Thirdly, I had a blood test this morning because the doctors think I might have diabetes, so I should probably spend less time thinking about things like protein ice cream. That’s it off the top of my head.
Several people have complimented me on my Antalya blog and told me what an enjoyable read it was, with one person (I genuinely forget who, but I promise that they were real) imploring me to start doing more regular blogs again, so obviously that inevitable boost to the ego has been playing on my mind ever since they said it. I absolutely adore writing and I feel like it allows me to express myself in a way I otherwise struggle to do, but I find myself with little inspiration nowadays as, unfortunately, I am actually relatively emotionally stable at the moment. I could blog about what I get up to on a day to day basis, but there are only so many jokes you can make about playing golf and getting pissed up, and none of my friends are cultured enough to indulge any of my other hobbies or interests. I should probably try to spend more time on my own, visiting museums and art galleries or other pretentious shit I profess to enjoy, but motivation is always a struggle and I often get anxious at the thought of going somewhere or doing something on my own.
Anyway, believe it or not, the point I was trying to make here is that I am going to try and make more of an effort to blog more regularly, even though I doubt any fucker will ever read it, although in fairness that isn’t why I do it. I know you won’t believe me, but I actually just enjoy writing, it’s nice to get my thoughts down on paper and out of my massive fucking head – if other people enjoy them, then frankly that’s their issue.
Young Mungo, the book I mentioned I’m reading in my Antalya blog, is really fucking me up. I know I have been reading it for several weeks now but, although it is a beautifully written book and is a fantastic read, because of the 89 different emotions it is stirring up inside me, which unfortunately are mainly heartbreak and pity, I am honestly struggling to get through it. I think perhaps it is cutting a bit close to the bone (homophobic father, without trying to give too much of the story away) and that’s why I am finding it so difficult, but it’s such a tragically endearing story that I am determined to finish it, even as I struggle not to cry whilst reading it. This is what I was referring to when I mentioned smartphones earlier, by the way – when was the last time a TikTok made you so emotional that you almost cried?
On the subject of emotions, I am becoming slightly depressed (ironic) at how so many people seem to perceive any form of negative emotion (sadness, envy, tragedy etc) as inherently bad. I understand why this is the case, and it took me plenty of therapy to think otherwise, but take me reading this book as an example to explain my point. A lot of people have told me to just stop reading it if it is making me sad, but were I to do so, I’d miss out on a beautiful story. However, it goes deeper than this – if I don’t know negative emotions, if I don’t allow myself to feel sad or heartbroken, either for myself or for an extremely well written fictional character, then how will I ever know what a positive emotion feels like? No one wants to be sad, I get that, but sometimes you have to embrace it so you can know what it is to be happy.
I hope you enjoyed this. I didn’t. H x
