Monday: 

8.40am: I really cannot be fucked to do a workout, but I really am sick of being a fat monstrosity. Why is life so hard? 

10.30am: I’ve arrived at Tesco to pick up our Click & Collect order and I’ve forgotten to bring carrier bags. Fuck my actual whole life. 

12.30pm: I’ve got my handbrake on but the car is still rolling down the hill. Great. 

2.45pm: The sun is out and I’m actually getting so excited for summer. I’m going to destroy my liver. 

4.10pm: Ben Shepard irritates the fuck out of me on Tipping Point. I can’t explain it but he just makes me viscerally angry. 

5.55pm: Mum just made a joke – “they’re changing 69 to 96 because people will want to eat out more after lockdown”. Think I might kill myself. 

9.40pm: Just randomly thought about how much I despise Jonny Mellor. 

Tuesday: 

8.00am: Had a dream that Lewis Bull held an anti-lockdown birthday party at The Salt Box Cafe and the main act was GV performing a breakdance. Seems normal. 

10.10am: Just got a hole in one on PGA 2k21. I am basically Tiger Woods. 

12.05pm: First day of 2021 I choose to wear shorts and it starts raining. God really does hate gays. 

2.25pm: Lizzie just said she wanted to go somewhere scenic and then suggested the airport. 

5.15pm: It’s amazing how much more enjoyable my new knife is making my cooking experience. Only £4 from B&M as well. God I fucking love that place. 

6.20pm: I like to think I’m quite open minded but neo-pronouns can just fuck right off to be honest. 

9.45pm: The amount of time I spend on TikTok is genuinely fucking terrifying. 

Wednesday: 

8.35am: Every morning something from University comes up on my Timehop and every morning I wonder what the actual fuck was going through my head. 

9.50am: I’m pretty sure it’s not healthy to be as funny as I am. Might have to book a doctors appointment. 

9.55am: I want to gamble hundreds of thousands of pounds on horse racing. 

12.15pm: Looking in the mirror is honestly my favourite thing to do. Might have to buy another one. 

1.10pm: Gordon Brown would have been a much better PM if he had figured out how to control his temper and be a bit more human. Perhaps there’s a lesson there. 

5.20pm: I’m actually more excited for my Mums birthday than I am for my own. 22 is so old. In gay years it’s basically 57. 

5.55pm: Watching The Chase and Mum says “Well, that contestant has really annoyed me.” Reason? Her red dress didn’t suit her personality. Baffled. 

6.50pm: Project Doughnut are actually outrageous and I’m honestly considering getting fat again. 

7.00pm: I’m actually really upset I won’t be able to attend my own funeral. 

8.50pm: Murakami is such a beautiful writer.

9.40pm: Thinking about some of the times I’ve been nice to people I don’t like and feeling a deep sense of regret.  

10.20pm: I am officially bored of lockdown.

10.55pm: Just got depressed for like 30 minutes because lockdown is finally getting to me but then I remembered who I am and now I’m fine. 

12.10am: Not sure if anyone has heard but Deville is going to Leeds fest. 

Thursday: 

8.55am: Andy Holding has a 4pt NAP today. Don’t think I’ve ever seen him do 4pts before. How exciting.  

10.10am: It appears to seem that England are actually rather good at cricket. 

11.10am: I’d like to retract my previous comment. 

12.20pm: For some reason, the nice weather today is making me nostalgic for my time living in Halls of Residence. 

2.25pm: God bless you Andy Holding. 

4.00pm: Life is a wonderful thing. It annoys me that it took me so long to realise, but I’m so glad I finally did. 

6:50pm: Joaquin Niemann is weirdly attractive. 

9.15pm: Turned the hot tub on at 9am and it’s only 36 degrees. Furious. 

10.40pm: Why the fuck does my brain decide to go into overdrive as soon as I get into bed fuck OFF. 

11.20pm: Validation from strangers on the internet is literally the only thing that matters in life. Don’t let anyone tell you differently. 

Friday:

9.05am: It’s genuinely concerning that every single one of my friends likes my Mum more than me. 

1.45pm: I’ve just done a 30 mile bike ride with Harry (Beard, I’m not speaking in third person just yet) and I have a few thoughts; cycling is extremely relaxing and enjoyable, we live in an absolutely stunning part of the world, the sun makes everything ten times better and I really cannot think of a better way to spend a morning than combining all three of those things. 

4.30pm: “Oh look my fag butts are still here from yesterday” – classy Liz. 

6.15pm: Jen is in the middle of the story and Mum interrupts – “I want a new sofa. Carry on”. Sometimes it’s very clear to me why I am how I am. 

7.40pm: Mum has had 150 posts on her Facebook for her birthday? What the fuck? 

9.30pm: Viktor Hovland is sexy. 

Saturday: 

7.50am: I had like 4 gins last night and I was really quite drunk. Worrying. 

9.30am: A favourite pastime of mine rears its head again – matching with Dany Bowen on different dating apps. This time it’s Hinge. I miss him rather a lot. 

10.30am: If I don’t get a Starbucks within an hour I will die. 

12.45pm: Pretty sure I’ve got a binge eating disorder. Either that or I’m just a proper fat prick. 

12.55pm: What a fucking beautiful day. 

1.40pm: Finally got my Starbucks. Glorious. 

1.55pm: Derby is underrated. 

2.25pm: Planning holidays with Elia. The sun is shining and we’re sat in Darley Park. 2021 is going to be unreal. 

2:40pm: Holiday to Rome booked. I love my life. 

4.10pm: I am so good at PGA 2k21 it’s actually unfair to everyone else. 

7.00pm: Mum just told me off for calling Alfie stupid – he had his steak well done with ketchup, I fully stand by my comments. 

8.55pm: I’m wondering why I’ve rounded all the times on this to the nearest 5 minute interval. I’ve been in the hot tub for an hour, purely because I can’t be arsed to get out. I also want to spend £120 on clothes but I am £75 over my weekly budget. I want a new car. 

11.20pm: Washing machines live longer with calgon. 

Sunday: 

9.10am: Why do I always feel like a completely different person when waking up the day after I’ve been hungover. 

9.50am: I sometimes wonder if I should have done certain things differently, but then I remember that I’m Harry Tomlinson and the sun literally shines out of my arse. 

11.25am: Why is there some really fit about lads that work at Tesco? Not the Hilton one obviously. All I can think of there is Big Badger. 

12.50pm: In the book I’m reading, the main character murders his own father. Interesting. 

2.15pm: Just got back from a walk with Siany – my hatred for men and society as a whole is reaffirmed. 

3.50pm: I cannot stand people who obfuscate everything. 

6.30pm: Sat watching golf with Mum and she’s actually criticising some of the best players in the world for missing their putts. That explains where I got my audacity. 

7.10pm: Colin Morikawa is quite fit as well. Maybe it’s just a golfer thing. 

7.55pm: Tom Brooks needs to be put down. 

8.30pm: Might rejig my friends’ ratings. Feel like my top 10 could do with a freshen up. 

9.25pm: Can’t wait for hot girl summer.