Monday

I woke up at about half 8, which is roughly when I’ve been waking up everyday during the second lockdown. I spend half an hour or so in bed scrolling through my phone, reading a few news articles and examining the days horse racing, but I try to get out of bed before half 9 otherwise I could quite easily lie there until lunchtime watching TikTok endlessly. I get up at half 9, shower, get dressed, make myself a black coffee and get my laptop out to write for a bit. I get about 500 words of my book done, which pisses me off because I know I could do more, but I seem to be struggling with writer’s block recently. Yes, I’m aware of how pretentious that sounds by the way, but I’m better than you so I don’t care. At 11.30 I put my laptop down and head downstairs to do the jobs my Mum has left for me; load the dishwasher, put the washing out, empty the bins etc. I despise housework but Hayley has been getting rather passive aggressive at me recently for leaving stuff lying about so I decide it’s probably best if I do as I’m told. That takes about half an hour, so when I’m done I make myself another coffee and a bacon sandwich, which I consume whilst watching an episode of The Crown. I’m starting to think they may have been a bit too liberal with their dramatic licence in Season Four but I’m enjoying it nonetheless. At half past one I decided to take the dog for a walk which I thoroughly enjoyed – it was cold but the sun was shining and it was nice and fresh, which is my favourite type of weather. Hayley has returned from work by the time I get home (she finishes at 2 o’clock) so I make us both a cup of tea before settling down for a few games of Call of Duty. My kill/death ratio has been exceptional over the past few days as I’ve realised that I’m much better when I play with my headset on, as I can hear the enemies coming. I am aware how that sentence sounds but I promise you I’m not a greasy virgin. At half past three I headed downstairs to watch the Prime Minister’s statement with mother, which merely confirmed everything that had already been briefed to the press over the weekend. I’m secretly hoping that the bookies will remain closed but I think it’s unlikely as I’m 95% sure that they’re no longer classed as hospitality. I sit reading news articles on my phone and watching crap TV until about half five, at which point I start cooking dinner. I made chicken & pasta in a spicy tomato sauce which wasn’t my best but still tasted rather delicious. After dinner I came upstairs to my room where I’ve remained until now, switching intermittently for the past few hours between playing COD and reading. I’m currently reading Down and Out in Paris and London by George Orwell, which is a peculiar yet interesting and amusing book, as well as reading the magazines I subscribe to, The NewStatesman and The New Yorker. It’s 10pm as I write this and I’ll probably get into bed before long, spend an hour or so scrolling through my phone, and then get off to sleep at about 11:30/00:00. I’m struggling to think of a better way to spend a day in lockdown. 

Tuesday

Once again I awoke at around half 8. There’s nothing to stop me lying in even later but I’ve been trying to keep some semblance of a sleeping pattern so it isn’t such a huge shock when I go back to work next week. I check the news and the days horse racing before I brush my teeth and head out for a run. I try to exercise at least three times a week and, with gyms shut, running or biking are my only options, so I’m trying to alternate between the two to keep it from becoming monotonous. When I get back from my run, which was excruciating, I have to scrub the shower tiles, another request from Hayals, before I shower them off and proceed to shower myself. It’s around half past 11 by the time I’m dressed and ready for the day so I head downstairs for my regular combination of black coffee and a bacon sandwich, which I again enjoy whilst watching an episode of The Crown. I suppose I could accurately be described as a creature of habit, which is perhaps why I’m so attached to some of the more archaic traditions this country persits in indulging. At one o’clock I head out to collect my friend/wife/annoyance Chloe Deville and we make our way into Burton for a spot of ‘essential’ shopping. I did genuinely need deodorant, but that did provide me with a convenient excuse to spend £45 on even more plants for my bedroom. I think you could also accurately accuse me of being a spendaholic, as well as habitual, but that’s a problem for future me to worry about. I’ve finally got my room how I like it during this second lockdown and the plants I’ve bought over the past week or so are the perfect finishing touch, so I’m very happy with it. It was about half past three by the time I’d dropped Chloe off and got home, yet I barely had time to repot my new plants and arrange them nicely before she rang me again and asked for a lift to Stretton – I said yes on the condition that she owes me a Starbucks. By the time I arrived home again it was time for dinner – Hayley cooked parsley fish cakes with mashed potato and peas, which was rather lovely, and then we sat with a cup of tea whilst we watched the evening news. At seven o’clock I headed upstairs to play some Call of Duty with Samuel Waltho, where I have remained until now. It’s about half nine as I write this and, once I come off my laptop, I plan to call my good friend Adam Griffiths-Vernon for a quick catch up before I retire to get some sleep. Another wonderfully pleasant day. 

Wednesday

I woke up at half 8, obviously. I decided today was going to be my cheat day so I had no exercise to do and, as such, I treated myself to lying in bed until 10am. It’s the little things in life. I scrolled through TikTok, read a few articles in The Times and put a few bets on, before I finally got up to shower. Once dressed, you’ll never guess what I did? I went downstairs and made myself a black coffee. I know, so unpredictable. I picked out some more bets before I sat down to spend the afternoon alternating between reading, playing COD and watching The Crown. Midway through a game of Hardpoint my phone rang and it was Samuel Morris trying to FaceTime me, so naturally I ignored it, but he kept ringing so I relented and, after imploring him to shave off his horrible goatee, he came online to play a few games with me. At 4 o’clock, after a strenuous afternoon of gaming and reading, I had to nip to Tesco in Uttoxeter to collect Mum’s shopping, which was precisely as fun as it sounds. I was supposed to be cooking a curry tonight but, when I got back, Hayals announced that she needed the kitchen to put the finishing touches to some of her gin orders, which meant she was ordering a Chinese, so I didn’t have to cook. Cushty fucking bok. We had chicken chow mein, chicken fried rice, salt & pepper chips and curry sauce, which was precisely as sexy as it sounds. After dinner, as we sat watching the news with a cup of tea, Jack Woodyet FaceTimed me and, during our conversation, we decided we both fancied a frappuccino, so I went to pick him up and drove us to the Starbucks in Derby. We sat in the car park talking shit for a bit, which is about all we can do in the current circumstances, before he insisted on having the AUX for the journey back home. In fairness I had no complaints when he put a bit of Girls Aloud on. It was about half 9 when I got home so I made myself a cup of tea, came upstairs and opened my laptop to write this, and, as it’s still only 10ish now, I’m probably going to sneak a few more games of COD in before I go to bed as it’s double XP at the minute. The stress never stops.

Thursday

I woke up at 9 o’clock this morning! Nine o’clock. I can’t believe I allowed myself such a slothenly lie in. I’m blaming Jack – just as I was about to go to sleep last night, he rang me to discuss the intricacies of modern life and, as it’s rather impolite to say no, I obviously indulged him, yet this meant I had to delay my alarm clock to make sure I got my required eight hours. I checked the news and put a few bets on before dragging myself out of bed and getting my cycling gear on. I did seventeen miles but it felt like seven hundred because the weather was fucking horrible – the wind was brutal and the temperature felt like it was about minus 30. By the time I got home it was 11.30 so I showered, got dressed and made myself a black coffee and a bacon sandwich, which I enjoyed whilst watching some Family Guy. I do like to spice things up every now and again. I was supposed to be meeting my good friend Elizabeth Bowes for a stroll at two o’clock but she said she was short of time and asked if we could rearrange for tomorrow (one can only assume she’d managed to get lost being so far up her own arse), so I duly obliged, and instead I spent the entire afternoon gaming and reading. I’ve almost finished Down and Out in Paris and London and I’m already first prestige on COD, so one can hardly be accused of being unproductive with my time. I did a little bit of writing for my book well but not enough to justify the time it took me. At half five I began to cook dinner, which was curry, and it was absolutely delectable. I don’t like to toot my own horn but I am basically Gordon Ramsay nowadays, just with slightly less hair and a few more expletives. Hayley and I watched the evening news whilst eating dinner (we have a television in the kitchen because we’re common), so once we’d finished eating I retired to my room. Jack rang me so I sat talking to him for a bit before I joined the wonderful Mr Morris on PS4 again for a few games of COD. We decided we were going to book a holiday because we’re both pissed off at being stuck inside, but I then remembered that I don’t currently have a passport (I haven’t updated it since I changed my name), so that left us both even more infuriated. It’s almost ten o’clock as I write this, so I’ll probably sit scrolling through Tumblr for a bit before I put my laptop down and get some shut eye. One more strenuous day successfully navigated by yours truly. 

Friday

My wake up time reverted to half past eight as I managed to get Jack off the phone at a reasonable time last night. I spent an hour or so in bed picking out my bets and reading the news before I got up, showered, got dressed and made myself a black coffee. I spent half an hour browsing some Black Friday deals, none of which really piqued my interest, before nipping to the post office to send my passport off and post some tracksuit bottoms that I sold on Depop. It was then time to collect Wagbo from her house and head into town for some more retail therapy. I enjoy spending time with Lizzie because her behaviour reminds me that there are plenty of people out there just as high maintenance and melodramatic as myself. Once again I spent money I don’t have on things I don’t need, but what else is there to do in the current circumstances? It’ll be good for the economy, and anyway I still didn’t spend anywhere near as much as Liz, which is enough justification to satisfy my virtually non-existent sense of self-control. After shopping we headed back to Mickleover for a coffee and a cigarette in Lizzie’s garden, socially distanced of course, by which time I’d had enough of her. I jest, it was quite an enjoyable afternoon. I got home just in time to catch the start of the first England vs South Africa match so I put a pizza in the oven to enjoy whilst watching, but I only got to see the first ninety minutes as I had to head out again to go for my contact lenses check up at Specsavers in Burton. Who the fuck books an eye appointment for 6pm? I must have been pissed. It turns out my right eye has weakened significantly so it’s no wonder I’ve been getting headaches all of the time. I might use that as an excuse for my shocking parking skills as well. I was home just in time to catch the last of the cricket and watch my bet win (both teams to score 170+ runs at 10/3, if you’re interested), which added to my excellent winning streak recently, after which I joined Big Moz on PS4 again for yet another few games of Call of Duty. I then came downstairs to sit and peruse more Black Friday deals whilst watching television with Hayals, where I’ve remained until now, although 95% of the deals I’ve found are complete shit. I must say, I’m absolutely exhausted. 

Saturday

You already know what I’m going to say, don’t you? I’ll say it anyway, I hate to disappoint; I woke up at half past eight, spent a few hours in bed reading the news, watching TikToks and picking my horses out, showered, got dressed, made a black coffee and a bacon sandwich and sat in the living room to watch some television. This took me up to about one o’clock, at which point I headed out to meet Elia for a walk. We took a stroll through Darley Park, which was actually quite enjoyable considering how cold it was, and we took it in turns to get the other up to speed on our latest developments, although hers are a bit more significant than mine – she’s thinking of buying a new house, I’m thinking of buying a PlayStation 5. It felt like forever since I’d last seen El so it was nice to catch up and we arranged to do something again soon. Whilst walking I got a call from Jack asking if I could pick him up from the train station, so I headed from Derby to Burton in order to collect the little gremlin, which I did in return for a coffee from McDonalds. After dropping him off I returned home to discover that, despite having planned to do my homemade wedges for dinner, Hayley hadn’t included any potatoes in our most recent veg order, which left us with no option but to have kebab instead. As you can imagine, I was absolutely furious, but the kebab was rather tasty so my anger soon faded away. After dinner, which was about seven o’clock, I went upstairs with every intention of doing some reading and writing, yet I somehow ended up playing Call of Duty with Waltho for three full hours. How on earth did that happen? Who knows, but we got to Round 33 on zombies, which is my highest yet, so it’s time well spent if you ask me. It’s about half past ten as I write this, so I’ll probably sit on TikTok for an hour once I put my laptop down before getting some shut eye. The hard work never stops for The Lord. 

Sunday

I woke up at half past eight and spent an hour in bed reading the news and picking out some bets for the day. If any of you are questioning whether I have a gambling addiction, the answer is probably, but I don’t care because I’m really good at it. I opted for a run instead of a bike ride today so I got dressed and headed out. I ran down that new path that everyone has been obsessing over on Spotted: Hilton (according to my Mother at least, I obviously don’t concern myself with such piffle) and I must say it is actually rather nice, although there were far too many families out walking for my liking. I only really started running properly a few weeks back and I’ve already knocked 46 seconds off my mile, which I’m quite proud of. As well as this, I weighed myself when I got back and I’m under thirteen stone for the first time since 2017, so all in all I’m quite pleased with myself at the minute. I showered, got dressed and headed downstairs to make myself a black coffee – I was feeling a little bit adventurous today, so I decided to have a ham sandwich instead of a bacon one. By this point it was midday so I settled in front of the television for an afternoon of sport, with England playing their second match against South Africa and three Grade One’s at Fairyhouse across the Irish Sea. I had the favourite in all three in a 15/8 treble because, although I don’t usually like backing such short prices, they all look pretty much nailed on, and I was easily proven right. The cricket was a bit underwhelming and my bet lost but it was still interesting to watch nonetheless. Once the cricket finished I dossed about for a bit on my phone before preparing dinner, which this evening consisted of burgers with my homemade wedges and salad. As I’ve mentioned, I don’t like to brag, but it was fucking delicious and I’m probably the best cook in the world. After dinner I retired to my room, where I’ve remained until now, reading a bit of my book, some articles from the latest New Yorker and playing a few games of COD, which seems to have become my standard evening procedure. I’m back at work tomorrow on a three hour shift, so I best make sure I get an early night to prepare. It’s a hard life, isn’t it?

I hope you’ve enjoyed a week in the life of The Lord. Stay safe.