It always seems to sneak up on me at night time. It’s like some inescapable nightmare that I am forced to endure whilst conscious. I know there’s no logical reason behind it, I’ve had a great day and life is really good at the minute, yet there’s nothing I can do as I feel myself sinking into the depths of misery. I try and assure myself that it’s temporary and I list everything positive I can think of; I have great friends, a loving mother, an exciting future etc. This does absolutely nothing. It’s almost as if I’ve lost control of my own mind, like there’s someone else controlling me and forcing me to feel this way. Perhaps it’s a subconscious reminder that my happiness is undeserved and impermanent, a blip in my pre-destined perpetual anguish. I watch the lightning strike outside and listen to the thunder, wondering if my moods are a reflection of the weather or, somehow, if my moods control the weather. No, even for me that is too ambitiously powerful. It’s a wonderful metaphor though, isn’t it? I stare at the wall in despair as I struggle to conjure up the words to describe how I feel. It’s hard to discuss something when you don’t actually understand it. I am convinced that the return of a social interaction is a double-edged sword – spending time with friends again is a welcome relief but, once they’ve gone home, I am left with nothing but my own terrifying thoughts and the four walls of my bedroom. I worry that I have become so used to being alone that reintroducing socialisation could much harder than I thought. I think about the many times I’ve attempted to compartmentalise my issues and ascribe some sort of personality disorder or mental health issue to myself but, as seemingly obvious as it may be that I definitely have something along those lines, being diagnosed would not change the facts as they stand. Sometimes, it just seems hopeless. You know, as I write it all down, I start to feel better, almost as if I am expunging the toxins from my body and letting them loose on the internet. As the sky is intermittently lit up and the thunder rumbles on, my angst evaporates and I slowly pull myself back from the brink of existential abyss. I have successfully survived another night.