As the depths of my boredom sink lower than I ever thought possible, a few nights ago I found myself taking an online personality disorder test and, according to this ridiculous test, it turns out I apparently suffer from Narcissistic Personality Disorder. Me? A narcissist? What an utter load of tosh. I am the single most humble human being to have ever been born and there is literally no one I know that is more selfless and less arrogant than I am. For example, some of the symptoms of NPD include “grandiosity with expectations of superior treatment from other people” and “continually demeaning, bullying and belittling others”. I would love to know what on earth the creator of this test was thinking when he devised it but he ought to get a bloody grip because I certainly do not think I’m better than most people and I never ever belittle anyone. It’s not my fault that the majority of the public are uneducated scum. I, His Excellency Lord Harold Tomlinson of Hatton & Tutbury, hereby vow to seek revenge for the slight I have received and will not rest until my good name is cleared. 

I finally finished the Tiger King documentary and it amazes me that the takeaway from this show for most people has been that Joe Exoctic is an amusing redneck with some funny quotes and catchy songs whilst Carole Baskin is an evil murderer hellbent on destroying him and everyone else involved with him. Although it is undeniable that Baskin is extremely morally dubious, it is telling that the vast majority of online hate is directed at her and not Exotic, despite the fact that he used drugs to groom straight teenage boys, murdered several of the animals that he claimed to care for and regularly threatened Baskin’s life, eventually going as far as attempting to hire someone to assassinate her. Not to be a party pooper, but there is a strong argument to be made that the reaction to this show is a perfect example of the casual sexism that continues to engulf our society – they both seem to be extremely disreputable people yet the man is revered whilst the woman is persecuted. Make of this what you will. 

Last night I had the pleasure of taking part in the third weekly 2 Gingers 1 Brooks Saturday Night Quiz, hosted this week by Sian. The categories of question largely depend on the quiz master so it was hardly surprising that last nights questions focused on women, sex and drugs – Sian is in serious danger of becoming a caricature of herself. Once again I claimed victory but, to be fair, the questions were actually quite intelligent so I did have a huge advantage over my opponents. To be perfectly honest, I was quite pissed by the time the quiz started, as I haven’t been drinking much during lockdown so it only took a few glasses of wine for me to feel a bit tipsy. According to Lewis, I was slurring my words when I joined him & Sam on PS4 for a game of Warzone after the quiz, although I find that very hard to believe as I’m usually such a quiet, responsible drunk. 

This afternoon I have subscribed to six current affairs magazines; The Week, MoneyWeek, Time, The Spectator, The New Statesman and The New Yorker. I don’t like to brag but I’m probably the best-informed person in the country right now. Joking apart, now more than ever we are reliant on quality journalism, especially with the increasingly insane conspiracy theories that are spreading on social media, yet coronavirus has caused newspaper & magazine sales to plummet. Therefore, a lot of news outlets are slashing prices and offering free trials, so I thought I might as well take advantage of the situation and hopefully find myself a new weekly read. The Times & The Sunday Times digital edition is also available to students for just £2 a month so, as much as I hate being serious, I do genuinely encourage you to consider looking into some of these options and supporting the news industry somehow. It is vital, particularly during this time of crisis, that we remain well informed individuals (or, if you’re reading Sam, replace remain with become).

Many of you have told me how much you enjoy reading my blogs and I’m very grateful for your incessant adoration. To that end, I am happy to announce that from now on my blogs will be released twice weekly, on Thursdays and Sundays at 10pm, in order to give you all ample opportunity to anticipate my egotistical ramblings. My writing pattern is not set to a routine and I will continue to write as & when I feel like it but I do feel like bringing some regularity to the timetable of releasing the blogs will allow me to focus more and make sure my work is to the standard I’d like it to be. It also means I don’t have to continue being the annoying twat that posts on snapchat everytime I post something new on the blog. As I’m sure you all know, I abhor drawing attention to myself. I hope this news will put your minds at ease. 

Here’s to another gloriously dull week in lockdown. Stay safe.